Something Beautiful Remains
by carnaby
Summary: Derek lets people believe that adultery ended his marriage because the truth is too painful to remember. But now Addison is in Seattle he has no choice but to confront it. (AU, Derek/Addison)
1. Chapter 1

**TITLE:** Something Beautiful Remains.

 **AUTHOR:** carnaby.

 **RATING:** K+.

 **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or anything related to it, I'm just borrowing them for a short while, I promise to put them back when I'm finished.

 **SUMMARY:** Derek lets people believe that adultery ended his marriage because the truth is too painful to remember. But now Addison is in Seattle he has no choice but to confront it. (AU)

 **PAIRING:** Derek/Addison, Derek/Meredith, Mark/Addison.

 _ooo_

 _tears will leave no stain_

 _time will ease the pain_

 _for every life that fades_

 _something beautiful remains_

 _ooo_

 _now the darkness falls_

 _sun's going down_

 _one by one_

 _the stars are coming out_

 _ooo_

1.

"Where's the mother?" Derek asked looking over the chart.

Addison leaned on the incubator, watching as Izzie Stevens comforted the tiny baby. "Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off, nice huh?"

"Addison," Derek sighed.

Addison preempted his argument. "Derek I know it's a long shot, I know that."

"You told me you had a newborn with an invasive mass, you failed to mention that she's also premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics, there's no way that this baby is going to survive spinal surgery," he concluded, hating to say it but knowing that someone had to highlight the obvious.

"You don't know that," Addison countered, her voice distant and full of pain.

Oblivious Derek continued. "And is she does she's a mess, look she's got meningitis, seizures, and she's going to live a short and painful life."

"You don't know that," Addison argued.

"It's my job to know that," Derek insisted.

Addison looked up from the incubator. "You're not God Derek."

"Excuse me?" Derek angrily retorted.

"I'm sorry Honey but you're not, you don't get to decide-"

Derek cut her off. "Wait did you just call me Honey? Don't call me Honey."

"Fine," Addison agreed. "You're not God Doctor Shepherd, look if the patient has any chance at survival which I think she does then you have a responsibility-"

"Don't talk to me about responsibility-"

"You took an oath Derek-"

"And don't you dare talk to me about oaths-"

"Derek I messed up," Addison admitted. "People mess up."

Derek looked in her direction. "You slept with my best friend on my favorite sheets."

"The flannel sheets?" Addison questioned. "You hate the flannel sheets."

"No I love the flannel sheets," Derek argued.

Addison was not about to let him win. "No you like the Italian sheets with the paisley-"

"Will you just stop talking about the sheets," Derek sulked.

Unable to stand the tension any longer Izzie decided to speak up. "I'm sorry I'm just going to go, I'll go check on the labs."

Watching her leave Derek realized that he and Addison were alone together. "Addison don't do this," he said, hoping that she would pick up on the double meaning.

"Look Derek she's a fighter, look how far she's come already-"

"Don't get attached," Derek warned, sensing exactly where this was going after all they had been down this path before. "Don't get involved, don't make her life more painful than it already is," he finished; as the baby's tiny hands gripped his finger.

Addison watched as the baby held his hand. "Derek please? She has nobody; she needs somebody to fight for her."

"She's too far gone," Derek whispered, trying to ignore the painful memories that were threatening to overwhelm his sense of reason as he untangled his finger from her tiny digits. "You have to let her go. Let her go in peace"

Watching him leave Addison shook her head, clenching her fists tightly to quell the shaking in her hands. "Fine Derek, walk away, it's what you do best," she whispered to herself, unable to stop the tears from falling as she was left alone with the tiny baby, a baby who had no one in the world but her.

"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie questioned, when she walked back into the NICU to find her attending sat by the incubator, her thumb running small, soothing circles over the little-girl's head as her other hand rested on her stomach.

Addison removed her hand from the ventilator. "Dr Stevens, I should apologize for earlier, Derek and I it's … complicated."

"Are you ok?" Izzie asked, suddenly seeing the older woman in a different light as she took in the pain hidden deep within her crystal orbs.

Addison shook her head as her stomach rolled. "Yes … no … oh God … gonna be sick," she muttered as she ran from the NICU and straight into the restroom, falling to her knees she wretched violently, her whole body heaving as she brought up what little she had managed to eat that morning.

"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie called out as she entered the restroom to the sound of someone getting violently ill in the last stall.

Addison wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm fine."

However the sound of yet more vomiting told the intern otherwise as dry heaves could be heard all around the restroom. "Ok … if you need anything…"

Izzie trailed off, she felt bad for leaving when there was clearly something wrong with the other woman but at the same time the last thing she wanted to do was invade her privacy.

Hearing the door shut Addison stumbled out of the bathroom, heading over to the sink she ran her wrists under the tap in an effort to cool herself down before reapplying her lipstick and heading back into the NICU.

"Are those her results?" Addison asked, completely ignoring what had just occurred.

Izzie handed them to her. "I don't think … it doesn't look good."

Reading the results Addison felt her heart drop. "She's got a resistant strain of pneumococcas, the antibiotics aren't working, you might want to get yourself reassigned Dr Stevens, I don't think we'll be operating today."

"So do you think Dr Shepherd was right?" Izzie asked.

Addison swallowed past the lump in her throat. "She's just too far gone," she sighed sadly, putting her little finger into the baby's open palm, her rings glittering under the lamps. "She does have a good grip," she observed, her voice trailing off as she tried not to picture another tiny hand resting in hers.

Izzie watched as Addison's eyes sparkled with unshed tears, her hand shaking slightly inside the incubator. "He's right … I shouldn't get attached."

"Dr-"

Addison shook her head, the last thing she needed was for the intern to see her fall apart and the news to make its way straight back to Meredith who would no doubt relay it to Derek. "You should speak to Bailey, have her reassign you to something that is surgical."

"Ok," Izzie agreed. "If you need an intern-"

"I'll page you," Addison promised, taking her hand out of the tiny infants hand she left some instructions with the NICU team before heading to Richard's office, when she had arrived in Seattle she had expected things to be different, she didn't know how but she had hadn't expected this. She needed to leave, get as far away from Seattle, Derek and his life without her as possible.

"So I'm leaving in the morning," Addison concluded as they walked away from the coffee cart and towards his office.

Richard shook his head. "No."

"Excuse me?" Addison frowned.

"No, I'm not accepting your resignation," Richard told her.

Addison smiled at him. "It's not a resignation Richard. It's notification as I don't officially work for you," she reminded him.

As they entered his office Addison sat down on the couch. "I came here for one case, I can track the twins progress from New York."

"What about the preemie?" Richard wondered.

Addison's eyes glazed other. "I'm letting go of the preemie, you know that. He calls me Satan, Richard."

"You don't like to hide from a fight," Richard reminded her.

"It's not a fight," Addison whispered. "He wins. I'm leaving in the morning."

Richard eyed her carefully he had known both Derek and Addison since before they were Derek and Addison, seeing the pain in her eyes broke him. "Addie; you and Derek have been through so much together, I know what happened with Mark was-"

"Wrong," Addison finished for him. "He'll never forgive me Richard."

"You forgave him," Richard reminded her, remembering back to one of the darkest times in his friend's life.

Addison licked her lips. "It's not the same. I slept with his best friend."

"I know and I'm not excusing what you did but you forget that you're talking to someone who knows everything that happened, he left you Addie, you were falling apart and he left," Richard remembered.

"That's not how it happened, I told him to leave," Addison breathed.

Richard watched her carefully. "That doesn't mean he had to listen."

"I told him I hated him," Addison added.

"You were hurting," Richard pointed out.

Addison nodded, looking down at her rings. "So was he. Look why are we even having this conversation? I'm leaving tomorrow and that's that."

"Addison as someone who cares about you I want you to something for me, I want you to make Derek listen, look I know you think he hates you but as clichéd as it sounds there really is a fine line between love and hate, he's only this angry because he loves you, you need to talk Addison, really, really talk and not just about what happened with Mark but about everything, what you and Derek went through is something people never recover from, what happened afterwards is … this doesn't have to be the end Addison, you and Derek have over a decade together, please don't throw that away without being sure," Richard pleaded.

"Then how come all he can remember is the hate?" Addison whispered.

Richard looked up, locking eyes with her. "Because that's how he's surviving, if he remembers everything else then … life gets a whole lot harder, talk to him Addie, be sure, if after talking you still want to leave then … you have my blessing."

"Ok," Addison agreed as her pager went off.

"It's the preemie," Addison said, jumping up and heading towards the NICU.

As Richard watched her leave he silently cursed Derek, a part of him could understand why Addison was letting everyone believe how black and white everything was because it was easier that way, because telling people the truth meant facing up to everything that had happened in New York and facing up to everything that happened meant opening their hearts to the pain they had closed it off to.

"You better pull yourself together Derek Shepherd," Richard sighed to himself, hoping that things worked out with Addison's preemie because he could see in her eyes that she was a lot closer to this case than she should be.

Enter the NICU Addison was immediately hit by the alarms sounding as doctors and nurses gathered around the newborns incubator. "What happened?

"She's got fluid on the brain," one of the neonatal doctors said, looking up from the cranial ultrasound. "We've already paged Dr Shepherd for a neurosurgical consult."

Addison walked over to the incubator, watching as the tiny little-girls body seized, her limbs twitching as her eyes rolled back in her head. "There's no point, she's not strong enough for surgery, make her comfortable, start an infusion of midazolam to stop the seizures and morphine for the pain …surgery will only prolong the inevitable."

There was a flurry of activity as the nurses and interns carried out Addison's instructions, taking the little-girls hand in hers she watched as the medicine was infused into her body, stopping the twitching as a sense of calm seemed to come over the infant.

"No one should die alone," Addison whispered.

Derek entered the NICU. "I was paged."

"My intern paged you because they thought she needed a shunt," Addison explained.

Derek looked at the image that was still paused on the ultrasound machine. "Hydrocephalus and intra ventricular hemorrhage?"

"It's not surgical, she's for supportive measures only, I started morphine and midazolam, she'll probably last-"

Derek watched as Addison struggled to finish that sentence, her eyes glazing over as she watched the tiny little body in the incubator rise and fall with each hiss of the ventilator.

"Addison-"

"There's nothing left for you to fix here Derek, you should go back to the patients you can save," Addison snapped, emotionally and physically drained.

Wordlessly Derek nodded, heading back out of the NICU where he bumped into Richard who stood by the nurses' station watching through the glass.

"Walking away?" Richard asked.

Derek turned to face the Chief and his long time friend. "She told me to go."

"Just because she tells you to leave it doesn't mean she wants you to listen," Richard sighed, remembering his earlier conversation with Addison. "In the next few hours that tiny little baby is probably going to die, do you really want Addison to go through that alone? I know you claim to hate her but I know you Derek this is not who you are."

"Rich-"

Richard held up his hand. "You need to be with her Derek, she should not be going through this alone."

"I have patients," Derek muttered. "Patients I can save," echoing Addison's earlier statement.

Richard watched Derek walk away. "Damn fool," he muttered under his breath as he turned his attention back to the NICU watching as Addison sat by the incubator, her eyes never leaving the tiny form.

Putting down the notes he washed his hands, heading into the NICU. "Addison?"

"I'm fine," Addison insisted, preempting his question.

Richard took a step further into the room, pulling a chair over and sitting next to her. "Fine. Really?"

"She's so tiny," Addison whispered. "It's not fair, something so small should not have to go through this she's innocent Richard, she did nothing to deserve this all she did was be born, the world is supposed to protect her but instead all it's done is cause her pain, she's not even been alive for 24 hours and she's already been through more than any person should ever have to endure, it's not fair Richard," Addison cried, letting her tears fall freely not caring who might see.

Pulling her into him Richard held her close, just like he had 7 month ago during the worst snowstorm New York had ever seen. "She has you fighting her corner."

"I couldn't save her," Addison whispered.

"Sometimes saying goodbye, letting someone know that it's ok to let go is the greatest act of love you can show someone," Richard said, trying to do whatever he could to ease her pain.

Addison untangled herself from him and looked up. "This isn't about-"

"Addison-"

"Please don't say it," Addison pleaded.

"Ok," Richard agreed.

Addison watched as he made himself comfortable in the chair. "I'm fine Richard."

"I know," Richard said. "But I'm still staying."

Addison leaned her head on his shoulder, grateful that she wouldn't be alone. "I love you Richard Webber, you know that right?"

"I know," Richard smiled, wrapping his arm around her.

Outside Derek wrapped his arms round himself as he watched Richard comfort his wife, leaning his head against the wall he watched as the monitor registering the newborns vital signs began to alarm before Addison silenced it and adjusted one of the infusions. Closing his eyes he remembered back to the darkest period of his life.

 _-GA-GA-GA-GA-_

" _What are you saying?" Derek asked as he sat opposite his sister._

 _Nancy swallowed a mouthful of water before speaking. "Addison has gone into end stage heart failure, the peripartum cardiomyopathy has progressed rapidly causing congestive heart failure and her lungs are filling with fluid which is making it difficult for us to ventilate her."_

" _So what happens now?" Derek asked._

" _As you know the safest option is to deliver the baby, in most cases of PPCM symptoms reverse once the baby is delivered, but Addison was adamant that she wanted to carry to 32 weeks Derek," Nancy reminded him._

 _Derek looked through the window of the CCU where Addison lay unconscious her breathing supported by a ventilator as multiple infusions were pumped into her body in an effort to keep her alive as a separate monitor traced the stable heart rhythm of their unborn child, a stark contrast to the erratic rhythm that Addison's heart rhythm was showing._

" _She's only 29 weeks, I need you talk to me doctor to doctor Nancy, does Addison have 3 weeks?" Derek demanded to know._

" _We could try an LVAD device or ECMO to take over the work of her heart but the anticoagulation therapy required to minimize the risk of complications …the risks to Addison and the baby …"_

 _Derek could hear what she was saying without her actually having to say the words out loud. "I could lose them both."_

 _Nancy nodded. "Yes."_

" _If this wasn't Addison, if this was anyone else what course of treatment would you recommend?" Derek whispered his words barely audible over the beating of his heart._

" _I would recommend delivery of the baby," Nancy admitted. "29 weeks is viable Derek, there's every chance that Addison and the baby will both survive but if we don't … if we continue with Hail Mary's then-"_

 _Derek held his hand up, cutting her off. "Don't say it, please don't say it. If I do this, if I let you deliver the baby and we lose her … or him then … Addison will never forgive me."_

" _But she'll be alive," Nancy countered._

 _Derek nodded. "She'll be alive."_

 _Nancy reached out and took his hand. "Derek no one could ever have predicted we would be here, when Addison made you promise things were looking good, the medication was working, her heart was coping … this is … this is a horrible situation but … time is not on our side, time is not on their side, the longer we wait the more we risk both of them."_

" _Ok," Derek breathed, his heart breaking at the decision he was making but he couldn't risk losing her, for more than10 years she had been his everything, the reason he woke up in the morning, even just the sound of her name made him smile and the idea of a life without her in it was something that he could not even begin to contemplate. "I'll sign… I need her to live Nancy … Even if she hates me I need Addison to be ok."_

 _-GA-GA-GA-GA-_

 _Jumping to his feet Derek dropped his coffee cup to the floor as Nancy entered the relative's room. "How are they?"_

" _Derek perhaps we should sit down," Nancy suggested taking off her scrub cap._

" _No, no sitting," Derek insisted. "Please Nancy I just need you to tell me that they're ok."_

 _Nancy sat down on the table, exhausted after 7 hours on her feet. "Addison is in the CCU, as soon as we delivered the baby we inserted bilateral chest drains to clear the fluidsfrom her lungs, it's early days but already her ventricular function appears to be improving."_

" _So she's ok?" Derek sighed, letting out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding._

" _Like I said it's early days; she's still ventilated and on high dose inotropic support but it looks promising," Nancy said, needing to be honest with him._

 _Derek nodded running a hand through his hair. "And the baby?"_

" _You have a daughter," Nancy smiled._

" _A daughter, a mini Addison," Derek whispered._

 _Taking a deep breath Nancy sat on her hands to calm the shaking before speaking, what she was about to do was probably one of the hardest moments of her career to date, a moment that she prayed she would never have to repeat. "Derek … the delivery was complicated, when she was born your daughter wasn't breathing and it took a long time for the team to get her heart beating again."_

" _But they got it beating again?" Derek responded his voice full of hope._

 _Nancy could hear the hope in her brother's voice. "Derek she was without oxygen for a long time, at the moment she's showing signs of extreme hypoxic brain injury; she's not breathing on her own or showing any signs that she ever will, her blood pressure is unstable and her heartbeat erratic, she has no kidney function and her clotting is deranged-"_

" _But she's alive right? That has to mean something?" Derek hoped._

" _She's only alive because we're keeping her alive. Derek she has a machine breathing for her, medication keeping her blood pressure up and another doing the work of her kidneys, the neonatal team are still running tests but Derek it's unlikely that she will ever recover from this," Nancy informed him, unable to look up for fear of the complete devastation she would see on his face._

 _Derek practically collapsed into a chair. "But she could survive right?"_

" _I know earlier I said you needed to stop thinking like a doctor but you know what this means Derek," Nancy told him._

 _Running his hand over his face Derek let the tears fall. "You have to keep her alive Nancy, Addison cannot wake up to find her baby gone … she can't … this can't be how this ends … Addison she fought so hard to have this baby, it can't be for nothing … our daughter has to be ok."_

 _-GA-GA-GA-GA-_

 _64 hours, 3 minutes and 21 seconds after Addison had given birth to their daughter Derek found himself sat in the CCU cubicle, her hand clutched tightly in his as he looked up at the monitor, reassured by the steadily improving numbers._

" _What's going on?" Derek asked as the team entered and started adjusting infusions._

 _The lead cardiologist on Addison's team stopped what he was doing and faced him. "We're weaning her sedation."_

" _You're waking her up?" Derek panicked._

 _The doctor nodded. "Her latest echo shows good function, she's maintaining her blood pressure with minimal inotropic support, her chest drains have been clear for 4 hours now."_

" _Are you sure?" Derek panicked, his brow creasing in concern._

" _The longer we leave her on the ventilator the greater the risk, the positive pressure adds strain to her heart, extubation at the earliest possible opportunity is going to give her the best possible chance of recovery," the cardiologist explained._

 _Derek shook his head. "I know you're the expert but I don't think we should be doing this, I think we should give her more time … Addison she's been through so much already … I think we should let her sleep, she needs peace … quiet … time … she needs time."_

 _Walking into the CCU Carolyn spotted her son on the verge of a panic attack. "Derek?"_

" _This room is for family only," the cardiologist said, trying to guide her back out._

 _Walking straight past him Carolyn ignored the cardiologist and walked over to the side of the room where Derek was almost manically pacing the length of Addison's bed._

" _She's not ready," Derek muttered. "We shouldn't be doing this."_

" _What's going on?" Carolyn asked, turning her attention to the doctor._

 _The cardiologist adjusted the ventilator before speaking. "I told him we were going to wean the sedation and take her off the ventilator and-"_

" _Derek what is this really about?" Carolyn asked, sensing her son's distress was to do with something other than the doctors trying to wake Addison up._

" _She's not ready," Derek repeated as if those three words were his mantra as his body sunk back into the chair._

 _Pulling a chair over and sitting opposite him Carolyn held his hands in hers as the medical team continued with what they were doing. "She's tough Derek, she's come so far in such a short space of time, this is good news Derek, Addison she's a fighter."_

 _Leaning forward Derek placed his hand on top of Addison's, taking a series of deep breath to compose his thoughts as the medical team left leaving mother and son alone with the bleeping and clicking of the machines the only noise that filled the silence as Carolyn sat silently, waiting for Derek to speak._

" _I thought I would have more time," Derek admitted, his voice shaking._

" _More time for what?" Derek asked._

 _Derek looked down at his sleeping wife. "To make things right, I need to know that she's going to be alright before Addie wakes up. She can't wake up to this Ma, she can't wake up to find out that our daughter might never get the same chance."_

" _I know this is going to be hard son, the news that is waiting for Addison when she wakes up is something no mother should ever have to hear, ever. But if she wakes up and it's too late that is something she will never recover from, she needs to see her daughter Derek, whatever happens Addison needs that … she needs to get the chance to say goodbye," Carolyn softly told him, her heart breaking for everything her family was going through._

" _How am I going to tell her?" Derek worried._

" _You don't have to be the one to tell her, the doctors, Nancy-"_

 _Derek shook his head. "I'm her husband, that little-girl is my daughter, it needs to be me."_

" _We're all here for you Derek," Carolyn vowed as she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his forehead._

" _I promised her Ma, I promised her that I would put the baby first but when it came down to it I couldn't do it I couldn't risk losing her so I broke my promise, I signed that consent form and I let them take our little-girl before she was ready," Derek sobbed._

 _Carolyn held her son tightly. "This is not your fault. None of this is your fault."_

" _I broke my promise," Derek said, his voice trembling as he leaned his head on the bed, needing to feel as close as possible to Addison before she woke up and he would have to tell her that all the hopes and dreams they had for the future were 2 floors down, living only with the help of machines and medication._

 _-GA-GA-GA-GA-_

 _Sitting in the chair Derek watched as Addison breathed on her own for the first time in over 3 weeks, her face partially obscured by an oxygen mask as Nancy entered the room._

" _How is she?" Derek asked, knowing she had just come from the NICU, over the last 4 days his family had been taking it in turns down there so that the little-girl was never alone._

" _Her blood pressure is falling and we've maxed out on medication options, even with the filter toxins are building up in her body, her lungs are filling with fluid and her heart rate is erratic-"_

 _Derek could read between the lines. "Is this the end?"_

" _There's only so much modern medicine can do," Nancy agreed._

" _I need you to keep trying," Derek pleaded. "If she wakes up to find our baby gone … she needs to hold on … Addison needs the chance to say goodbye," he added, his heart breaking that he was talking about his wife saying goodbye to a daughter that she hadn't even yet met._

" _I'll do everything I can," Nancy vowed and with the she left, leaving husband and wife alone._

 _Holding her hand up to his lips Derek closed his eyes, a single tear falling. "Addie … I know sleeping seems like a good idea right now and I know that after everything your body has been through you need it but our little-girl is really sick … she's running out of options and she needs her mother, she needs you Addison, she needs you to hold her, to love her and let her know that it's going to be alright. She's holding on for you Addie, she's holding on for you to let her know it's ok to stop fighting."_

 _Closing his eyes Derek prayed; but as the clock reached 22 minutes past 4 and his daughter officially became 5 days old he prayed for something different, instead of praying for healing for his daughter he prayed that when Addison woke up she would find the strength she needed to let their little-girl go._

" _Derek," Addison croaked her voice hoarse from disuse._

 _Sitting up he rested a hand on her forehead. "Hey."_

" _Sleepy," Addison muttered, her eyes falling shut once again._

" _Addie. Addie I need you to open your eyes for me ok?" Derek gently coaxed._

 _Addison struggled to open her eyes. "Tired."_

" _I know," Derek sympathized. "But I really need you to stay awake; our little-girl really needs you to stay awake."_

 _Addison's eyes clouded over in confusion as she used all the energy she had to lift her hand up and rest it on her now flat stomach. "She's here … Baby … is a she?"_

" _Yeah," Derek smiled sadly. "You had a little-girl, we have a beautiful little-girl."_

" _And she's alright?" Addison asked, the fog starting to clear from her mind as she tried to push herself into a sitting position._

 _Jumping to his feet Derek supported her shaking body in his as he watched her tremble from the effort such a simple task was taking, a stark reminder of just how sick she was and how close he had come to losing her. "Easy," he whispered into her ear._

 _Derek sat down on the bed next to her, being careful not to interfere with the monitors and IV lines snaking in and out of her._

" _Why won't you tell me she's ok?" Addison panicked as the silence in the room became uncomfortable._

 _Derek opened his mouth to speak but his voice failed him as no words came out, instead all that left his lips was a silent exhale._

" _Derek?" Addison demanded, her voice trembling as her heart rate increased._

 _Closing his eyes Derek wrapped his arm around her wanting nothing more than to be able to reassure her, to open his mouth and tell her everything was alright, that their daughter was healthy and strong but he couldn't, because she wasn't and he didn't know if anything would ever be ok again._

" _Derek?" Addison repeated, her voice growing more and more panicked as the reality began to dawn on her. "Please tell me she's alright? Please? Derek please?"_

" _I can't," Derek whispered as those two simple words crashed down around them, shattering every hope they had been allowing themselves to dream._

 _Addison shook her head as she pushed him away, her instincts kicking in as she swung her legs over the bed in an attempt to stand up._

" _Addie you need to stop, you have chest tubes and lines and… you need to stop," Derek pleaded, worried that she was going to do herself an injury and damage her recovery._

" _Please, Derek, tell me she's ok?" Addison begged, her whole body shaking with pain, grief and exhaustion._

 _Closing his eyes Derek rested his head on top of hers. "I can't Addie."_

" _Lie to me," Addison pleaded needing to live in denial for a few minutes longer._

" _I can't," Derek cried, his voice nothing more than a broken whisper._

 _Addison's hand clenched around the blanket, her eyes darting furiously around the room as tried to fight free from his hold. "No," she cried, a loud guttural cry that broke through the ICU room as people in the immediate vicinity stopped what they were doing because even though only one word had been spoken they all knew what the soul shattering, heart breaking sound meant._

 _It was the cry of broken dreams, of a life cut short before it even had the chance to shine, it was the cry of broken promises and shattered hopes, it was the cry of a mother who would never get to hear her child cry, see her first smile and witness them take a first step, it was the cry of a mother realizing all of the dreams she didn't even know she had were being taken away from her._

 _Burying her head in her husband's chest Addison muttered the same word over and over again; no, no, no, no, no until she didn't even have the strength left to do that._

 _Outside Carolyn watched as Derek held Addison close, her body shaking in his arms as tears streamed down his cheeks mixing with those of his wife, their hearts breaking for the couple inside the room, no parents should ever have to go through this and no parents should ever have to watch their own child go through this; it was as If there had been a violation in nature, the tides frozen and the stars nailed to the sky while the moon wept quietly out of sight._

 _-GA-GA-GA-GA-_

Wiping at his face Derek took a series of deep breaths to calm his nerves, so much of his heart and soul belonged to the woman on the other side of the glass from the best moments to the heartbreaking losses that he spent every waking moment trying to hide away from, knowing that if he let himself remember back to those days when even the simple act of breathing hurt he wouldn't be able to survive.

Before he has a chance to register what was happening his legs started moving, one foot slowly moving in front of the other as he stepped into the room motioning for Richard to move he took the Chief's place, sitting down he wrapped his arms around her.

"You're not alone," Derek whispered.

"Yes I am," Addison silently cried.

Derek watched as Addison stood up and removed the breathing tube from the little-girl's mouth before reaching into the incubator. "Don't."

"She shouldn't be alone," Addison insisted.

"Addison she's not-"

Addison pushed him away and instead reached inside the incubator and took the tiny little-girl in her arms as she walked over to a rocking chair by the window, looking outside she watched as the moon seemed to get swallowed by the darkness. "I sleep with the radio on now."

"What?" Derek frowned, confused by why she was sharing such a random piece of information with him at a time like this.

"I can't sleep when it's silent because I keep expecting to hear her cry, but she won't because she never did, so I sleep with the radio on that way I don't have to deal with silence," Addison explained.

Derek nodded. "I keep her last scan picture in my wallet, it reminds me that for a short time I was someone's father that I had a daughter and she was perfect."

"We had a daughter, a beautiful perfect little girl, the last 7 months should not have been like this Derek. They should have been full of sleepless nights, round the clock feeding and early morning wake up calls … they should not have been like this … picking out tiny caskets, choosing flowers … you left me Derek," Addison accused, finally voicing her frustration at the situation.

"You told me you needed space," Derek reminded her.

Addison looked down at the tiny baby struggling to let go, nestled on her chest. "I was hurting Derek."

"So was I," Derek pointed out. "You didn't see me turning to Savvy for comfort," he added, referring to Addison's best friend.

"And there it is," Addison sighed, realizing that no matter what Derek was always going to throw Mark in her face.

Derek winced at his own words. "Sorry, it's just … she was my daughter too Addison."

"I know," Addison said, resting her hand on top of the baby as her breathing slowed.

Derek watched her try to bring the newborn what comfort she could. "Do you? Only when she died I didn't just lose a daughter I lost my wife too … you were so broken Addison … and you blamed me … when I signed those papers to consent to the c-section I might as well have signed our divorce papers too because-"

"She's gone," Addison whispered, looking at the monitor as the heart rate fell to zero.

Derek held her tighter watching outside as the darkness started to give way to the light of a new day, until finally she spoke in a small, barely audible voice. "She died at sunset. As the new day began our daughter's life ended forever and sometimes when things get really hard I can't help but wish … hope … that I hadn't been as lucky as I was."

"You don't mean that," Derek stammered, concern and fear evident in his voice.

"No. Yes. I don't know … now I don't but in the immediate weeks following her death I did," Addison admitted. "In the hospital I would listen as the cardiologists went on and on about my miraculous recovery and how well my heart was doing and how I would make a full recovery … but … I was only ok because she was dead … my heart wasn't ok Derek … she was gone … it would never be ok."

Watching as she swaddled the tiny body in a pink blanket before placing it into the Moses basket Derek reached out and took her hand in his. "It's ok to cry."

"I'm all cried out," Addison admitted.

"When E-"

Addison pulled away from him. "Don't. Please don't say her name," she pleaded, her breathing speeding up.

"Addison we had a daughter, for 7 days we were a family and that's not something that I will ever forget, our little-girl deserves to be remembered, speaking her name keeps her close to us Addie," Derek told her.

"I haven't said her name since you left," Addison shyly admitted.

Derek sat down in the rocking chair and pulled her down onto his lap. "For 29 weeks she lived inside you Addison and then for the 7 days she lived in this world we loved her. Esme," he said, pausing waiting for Addison to react but when she didn't he continued. "Esme Willa Montgomery-Shepherd might have only lived for 7 days but she was our daughter Addison, no matter what happens between you and I nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be a family; you, me and Esme."

"She was so beautiful," Addison cried.

"The most beautiful baby ever," Derek agreed.

Addison closed her eyes. "Esme. I know I only got to hold her for such a short time but I miss her so much Derek. I want my little-girl, I want her back."

Watching through the window Richard smiled to himself as he watched Derek hold Addison close, his arms wrapped protectively around her as in the dawn of a new day they took the first step towards healing their broken souls.

 **authors note: so I know this chapter is really, really long but I could not bring myself to split it. I am not a doctor, nor am I a writer I am just someone who loves Addison and wanted to write a different story for her, I have taken creative license with some of the timeline and story lines as I kept Meredith with Derek after she found out about Addison, this is also 100% unedited by anyone but me so I apologize for any mistakes.**


	2. Chapter 2

**authors note: woah, 16 reviews is not what I was expecting when I posted this, thank you to everyone who took the time to review it, this is more of a bridging chapter before we get to Addison and Derek really begining to address everything that happened in NYC. I love Bailey she's my second favourite character so I had to bring her in to it. Anyway here goes ...**

2.

Walking outside the hospital Addison let the tears fall, taking a long, deep breath she lifted her head to the sky watching as Seattle once again became cloaked in sunshine.

"Addison?" Richard called out, walking over towards her.

"Richard, hi," Addison greeted tiredly as she wiped at her eyes.

Motioning to the bench to the left of them he placed his hand on the small of her back and guided her towards it. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"No," Addison admitted. "He was there," she smiled a small ghost of a smile that barely reached her eyes but a smile nonetheless. "For the first time in a long time I needed him and he was there, he held me and I talked, he listened and … he was there Richard … I needed him and he was there."

"Are you still leaving this morning?" Richard questioned.

Addison shook her head. "No. He was there and he doesn't hate me."

"There's a permanent position coming up," Richard said, hoping that he wasn't being too forward but knowing that if he didn't bring the subject up he might run out of time. "I don't suppose you know of any world class double board certified physicians that might be looking to relocate?"

Leaning her head on his shoulder Addison closed her eyes. "How long would they have to make a decision?"

"48 hours," Richard smiled.

"No pressure then?" Addison laughed.

"No pressure," Richard agreed, looking at his watch. "But the clock is ticking."

Addison lifted her head. "I have rounds."

"You need to sleep," Richard frowned.

Addison rubbed her eyes. "There's an on-call room with my name on it the minute rounds are finished."

"Are you feeling ok?" Richard asked, hoping that the pale complexion and sunken eyes was nothing more than a result of sleep deprivation and the emotional trauma she went through last night.

"Just tired," Addison lied.

Richard nodded standing up and helping her to her feet as they walked back towards the hospital. "Coffee?"

"Peppermint tea," Addison requested as they got in line.

"Peppermint tea, really? The Addison Shepherd I know had a circulation of 90% coffee," Richard joked.

Addison shrugged. "I had so coffee last night that I'm going to be peeing out beans."

"Thank you for the visual," Richard laughed as they approached the front of the line he gave the barista the order before standing back to wait. "Have you heard from Derek?"

"Not since he helped me take the baby down to the morgue," Addison replied. "He got paged 911 just as we were about to go for coffee."

Watching as she took her cup in shaking hands Richard frowned. "You know we have people to do that right?"

"I know," Addison agreed. "But it just didn't seem right you know?"

"Addison you are one of the most important people in my life; you and Derek, Adele and I we weren't there for all of it but we saw the aftermath, what the two of you went through with Esme was … tragedy … and I know in your line of work you're not going to be able to avoid being in similar situations but you need to look out for yourself Addison, if things get too much … hit too close to home I want you to know that you can distance yourself, no questions asked," Richard offered, needing her to know that he was there for her.

Addison squeezed his arm. "Thank you."

"Talk of the devil," Richard pointed out as he spotted Derek get in line for the coffee cart.

Addison watched as Derek flicked through his blackberry, without seeing the screen she knew that he was either reading e-mail or checking the football results. "I should go; patients to see and hopefully today lives to save."

"How is she?" Derek asked as Richard moved to stand next to him.

"Surviving," Richard honesty answered.

Derek sighed sadly. "Last night was hard on her."

"You too," Richard guessed.

"I'll survive," Derek breathed, puffing out his cheeks. "I'm worried about her Richard, she puts on this tough front but last night … it made her face things that I'm not sure she was ready to face."

"What happened to wanting Satan out of town?" Richard asked, genuinely intrigued by Derek's complete turnaround in regards to his ex-wife.

Derek looked over to where Addison was waiting for the elevator. "It's complicated."

"Marriage always is," Richard agreed.

"We're separated," Derek reminded him.

Richard looked down at his empty hand. "You're still married though; ring or no ring."

"I don't know what Addison and I are to each other now but for 11 years she was half of my soul, she's the mother of my child, that's never going to change, whatever happens now Addison will always be my family marriage or no marriage," Derek explained.

"I offered her a permanent position," Richard admitted.

Derek raised his eyebrows. "What did she say?"

"She didn't," Richard shrugged. "Look Derek I know it may seem like I'm taking Addison's side in all of this but I'm not, what she did with Mark was wrong but you were not there in the run up to the … event … Adele and I we were there, Addison she was spiraling; drinking, missing work, not sleeping, her behavior was destructive, did you know that 2 weeks after you left she ended up in the ER with SVT caused by sleep deprivation and an overdose of energy pills, after 48 hours observation she was fine and the cardiologist was happy that there was no further damage caused to her function but … she didn't care about anything Derek," he recalled, deciding that despite his promise to keep quiet Derek needed to know.

"Why are you telling me this?" Derek wondered.

Richard sighed. "Because you need to know where her head was at, Esme was dead, you were gone and Addison she was … she was losing herself, sleeping with Mark was wrong but she wasn't in her right mind."

"Thank-you for telling me," Derek breathed as he placed his order.

"Together or not I want you to promise me that you'll keep an eye on her?" Richard requested.

Derek lifted his eyes towards Richard. "Always. Like I said Addison is my family."

Taking his coffee from the cart Derek walked over to the elevator, pressing the button he waited for the lights to change, Richard's words echoing in his head as he remembered back to that night; to walking in on his wife and best friend drunk and naked in his bed.

Stepping into the lift he was barely aware of anyone else's presence until he heard Meredith's voice. "Derek?"

"Huh?" Derek frowned, his brow knitted in confusion.

Meredith turned to face him, studying his eyes carefully she was shocked to find them dark with a pain she had never seen before. "Derek is everything ok? Has something happened?"

"I'm fine," Derek lied.

"That's supposed to be my line," Meredith joked, attempting to lighten the situation.

Derek brought his coffee to his lips and blew gently through the hole in an attempt to stall the situation. "Really, everything is fine."

"You look awful," Meredith observed. "Did Addison-"

"Leave Addison out of this," Derek snapped, whilst he knew that the interns' entire attitude towards Addison was mostly his fault he also knew that the last thing she needed was to be facing such animosity from everyone she worked with. "Sorry," he apologized, immediately sensing her hurt. "It's just things with Addison and I are complicated and I know this situation is my fault, that I should have told you about her but when I came here I was … in a dark place Meredith and you stopped me from drowning and for that I will always be grateful… but Addison is a big part of who I am and we need to learn to work together, all of us, whatever happens."

Meredith could see there was something he wasn't telling her, she wanted to ask him but his body language was telling her that right now he just wanted to be alone. "Of course," she agreed.

"Thank-you," Derek smiled, grateful that she was letting the situation drop for now as he stepped out onto the surgical floor.

Walking into his office Derek picked up the mail from the table, flicking through it he dropped them to his desk before sitting down and dropping his head into his hands. When he had moved to Seattle he thought he knew where he stood on everything, that his marriage with Addison was over and his life was here in Seattle, but after last night and this morning's conversation with Richard he felt like he had no idea which way was up anymore.

Meanwhile a floor up Addison was bent over the wastepaper bin in her temporary office, the peppermint tea and croissant she had managed to eat making an unwanted reappearance.

"Ugh," she moaned, lifting her head up as her stomach finally stopped rolling.

"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie questioned as she stepped into the office. "Sorry," she stammered when she spotted the attending bent over the bin.

Addison pushed herself to her feet. "Have you ever heard of knocking?" she snapped.

"The door was open," Izzie explained.

"Right, sorry, I shouldn't have jumped on you like that I'm just not feeling so great," Addison admitted.

Izzie stepped further into the room shocked that Addison was being so honest with her. "You don't look so great."

"I was up all night with the preemie," Addison explained. "Plus I just can't seem to shake this stomach bug," she grimaced

"If there's anything I can do all you have to do is ask," Izzie offered, although she knew she would probably be kicked out of the intern club for consorting with the enemy she couldn't help but feel drawn to the attending, there was an almost tragic element to Addison that intrigued her and made her want to get to know her better.

Addison smoothed her dress down. "Thank you, but I'll be fine after a power nap. We only have 2 active cases at the moment, there's Tina Sanders who is awaiting excision of an ovarian tumor in 4-15 and Lisa Lee in 4-26 who has severe uterine scarring that needs removing, both of them need pre-op bloods and examinations, if you could-"

"Consider it done," Izzie reassured her.

As the intern turned to leave Addison called out after her. "Stevens? Thank-you."

Once she was alone in the room Addison frowned as she felt her chest tighten, taking a series of deep breaths she tried to stop herself from panicking, although her ventricular function had returned to almost normal after Esme's birth she still suffered from some side effects of the trauma.

Knowing that she needed to get it checked out she picked up her phone and paged the only person she trusted enough in Seattle Grace to respect her privacy.

Leaning back in her chair she rested her hand on her stomach as her c-section scar burned, a phantom burning that she would experience sometimes when her body decided that she needed a physical reminder to go with the ever present emotional ones.

"You paged?" Bailey said, stepping into Addison's office.

Addison nodded. "Dr Bailey thanks for coming."

"Is everything ok?" Bailey asked, taking in the other woman's ashen complexion and shaking hands she closed the door behind her, sensing that this was a situation Addison did not want anyone eavesdropping on.

Addison shook her head. "No. I'm having palpitations and er … I need someone to perform an EKG and ECHO."

"Palpitations could be caused by a number of things; caffeine, sleep deprivations-"

"7 months ago I was in CCU with end stage heart failure and pulmonary edema, my heart was functioning at less than 20% it's normal function, I was intubated, ventilated, dependant on multiple inotropes and diuretics, my last ECHO showed almost a complete return to normal function but over the last few weeks I haven't been feeling right I've been throwing up, exhausted and getting breathless more easily and I … I just need to know that everything is ok," Addison explained.

Miranda sat down opposite her, not knowing what else to say she asked the first question that came to mind, the same question she would ask any other patient. "Is there any chance you could be pregnant? I know you're worried that this is cardiac but they're also symptoms of pregnancy."

When she'd asked the question the last thing Bailey had been expecting was for the attending to break down in front of her as a loud, strangled sob escaped from her perfectly painted lips. "I … no … I hope … no … oh God …"

"Addison?" Bailey questioned, knowing that right now Addison needed her to be a friend as well as a doctor.

Addison looked up her eyes bright with tears. "My situation was caused by PPCM, when I was 29 weeks pregnant it was decided that the only way to save my life was to deliver my baby, I made an almost complete recovery … my daughter lived for 7 days … I can't be pregnant … I just … I had my period … I'm on the pill … I can't … my body can't cope with another pregnancy … my heart couldn't cope," she panicked.

Realizing the double meaning to Addison's words Bailey nodded, knowing that after everything she had been through she was talking in both the emotional and physical sense when she was talking about her heart not being able to cope.

"We will not know anything for certain until we run some tests, as well as an EKG and ECHO you also need bloods and possibly a cardiac stress test if there's any cause for concern in the other tests," Bailey explained.

Addison nodded. "When will you be able to fit me in?"

"I have 2 hours now, there's an empty exam room on the sixth floor because it's closed for refurbishment," Bailey suggested.

Standing up Addison made to follow her. "I really appreciate this Dr Bailey."

"Please, call me Miranda," the shorter doctor insisted as they headed towards the fourth floor.

"Miranda," Addison smiled. "Addison, call me Addison."

Once up on the sixth floor Bailey took her bloods, making sure they were hand delivered to the lab by one of the porters as Addison changed into a gown and climbed up onto the examination table, waiting as Bailey set up the EKG and ECHO. "Ba … Miranda I'm topless on your table right now you can ask me anything you like."

"You and Derek-"

"That's a long sordid tale that started with a fairytale romance and ended when I slept with his best friend and believe me when I say it will take longer than the few hours we have to get through the whole story," Addison laughed bitterly.

Bailey nodded. "I'm guessing by the tension between you two he doesn't know about this?"

"What about the recent symptoms? No, I'm hoping that there's nothing to tell and I'm just over reacting," Addison sighed, lying back against the table as Bailey attached the stickers for the 12 lead.

After Bailey printed off the EKG she studied it carefully before printing off a second one. "Do you know what your last EKG showed?"

"It was normal," Addison replied. "My last stress ECHO however showed some residual disease but nothing to be concerned about, just very mild mitral valve regurgitation during exertion."

"Right," Bailey said as she printed off a third page.

Addison studied her carefully as she studied the EKG. "You have a very good poker face Miranda but its abnormal isn't it?"

Bailey handed her a copy. "It could be nothing but …"

"Possible left bundle branch block which could be an indicator of cardiac dilation," Addison observed, studying the print out of her heart.

"It could mean anything," Bailey tried to reassure her.

Addison nodded. "I guess there's only one way to tell," she pointed out her voice sounding stronger than she felt as she lay back ready for Bailey to do the ECHO.

Closing her eyes Addison couldn't bring herself to look at the screen. "Your ventricular and atrial function is with normal limits and your tricuspid and mitral valve function seems normal, there's no signs of regurgitation at rest, or ventricular dilation."

"Good that's good," Addison breathed as she seemed to physically deflate as she let go of the anxiety and fear that had been plaguing her over the last few days.

"Your ejection fraction is 66%," Bailey smiled. "Looking at this ECHO you would never know everything your heart had been through."

Addison finally allowed herself to look at the screen, ever since losing Esme she had hated her own body for failing her when she needed it most. "You can still have heart failure with a normal ejection fraction."

"Everything I'm looking at here is normal Addison, I know I'm not a cardiologist but during my intern years I spent a lot of time on the service, I can do ECHO's in my sleep," Bailey reassured her.

Taking a long deep breath Addison nodded. "It's not that I don't trust you Miranda … it's my own body I don't trust."

"What was your EF when you were diagnosed?" Bailey questioned.

"33%," Addison whispered.

"And then at its lowest point?" Bailey wondered.

Addison closed her eyes, remembering back to everything she had been told about her period in CCU. "When they made the decision to deliver Esme it was 12%."

"Esme?" Bailey smiled.

"My daughter … Derek and I we called her Esme," Addison explained.

"It's a beautiful name," Bailey said as she cleaned the gel off. "I bet she was a beautiful baby, Derek Shepherd may be a fool but he's a fool with good genes and you're not exactly lacking in that department either," she added.

Addison wiped at her eyes as she felt the tears begin to fall. "I-"

"Addison. I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it … I just meant-"

"No," Addison insisted. "Please do not apologize it's just I had a baby, for 29 weeks I carried her and for 7 days she was here but when you lose a baby no one talks about it anymore because they don't know what to say … and here in Seattle people don't even know she existed so sometimes it feels like I was never a mother, that I never had a daughter," she explained. "So hearing you talk about her it … I feel like a mother … like someone who had a daughter … like my daughter existed."

Bailey took hold of Addison's hand. "She exists, here or not your daughter exists and you will always be a mother, her mother and if you ever want to talk about her then I know I might not be the cuddliest person on the planet but I can listen."

"Thanks Miranda, for everything," Addison said, wiping at her eyes as she tried to compose herself.

"I know it's easier said than done but right now other than the small abnormality with the EKG there is nothing to be concerned about, we should fax it to your cardiologist in New York and have them compare it to previous ones just to cover all bases though," Bailey suggested.

Addison nodded her agreement. "Right. Yes. I can do that."

"Addison look I know we don't know each other and I don't know everything that happened with you and Derek but they say losing a child is the toughest challenge any couple can face, you're tough Addison, knowing what you went through … I have nothing but respect … how you're even standing I will never know but you are, and you're here and so is Derek, if you let him in I'm sure he'll want to help, you shouldn't be worrying about stuff like this on your own," Bailey recommended, because although she detested getting involved in her colleagues personal lives hearing Addison talk about what happened, and the loss her and Derek had suffered made Bailey feel that perhaps there was a chance her and the red head could become more than just colleagues.

"He has his own life here now," Addison pointed out. "I'm fine B … Miranda, I can deal with this on my own … I've been dealing with this on my own for a long time now, even before Derek left."

Bailey shut down the machine, copying the ECHO to disk for Addison to have a copy. "If anything changes, page me, promise?"

"Promise," Addison assured her. "When my bloods come back-"

"You'll be the first to know," Bailey promised.

"I should go," Addison stammered, not really sure what else to say. "And I'm sure you have real patients to be seeing," she added pulling her clothes back on and stepping down off the bed.

Bailey shook her head and waved her hand in the air. "My interns need to swim on their own eventually."

"Stevens is proving to be a real asset to my service," Addison said, bringing the conversation back on to a more comfortable neutral ground.

"That's good to hear," Bailey sneezed, putting her hand over her mouth as she walked towards the elevator, getting in she waited for Addison to follow before pressing the button.

Addison and Bailey travelled in a comfortable silence until the doors pinged open at the fourth floor and Derek entered followed closely by Meredith Grey, feeling the atmosphere immediately change Bailey watched as Addison seemed to practically shrink into the walls. Silently she prayed for the journey to speed up and the elevator trip from hell to end.

"Addison," Derek greeted.

"Derek," Addison replied. "Dr Grey," she added nodding towards the intern.

"Dr Shepherd," Meredith mumbled.

Bailey looked up at the ceiling as she felt Addison's hand shake against her, turning her head she watched as the OBGYN's face paled before she bent forward and vomited all over the floor.

"Addison," Derek panicked holding her hair out of the way as she heaved again, this time bringing up nothing but bile.

"Back off, please Derek," Addison pleaded, her voice shaking as she shrugged herself free from Derek's touch, the last thing she wanted was for her estranged husband and his new girlfriend to see her like this.

Sensing how uncomfortable Addison was at falling apart in front of Derek and Meredith Bailey jumped to action, helping Addison to her feet she breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator doors finally opened. "I've got this."

"But-"

"Bailey said she's got this," Meredith whispered as Derek made to follow them down the hallway.

Derek stopped and faced her. "She's my wife Meredith, separated or not if Addison is sick then I need to be there. I know things are complicated but Addie … together or not she was family for a long time Meredith … she's sick … I wasn't there … in New York. I know things are complicated but Addie …. she needed me and I wasn't there but if she needs me now then I need to be there," he admitted, sharing more than he had planned about what happened between Addison and himself but seeing her fall apart like that had thrown him because Addison Montgomery Shepherd did not fall apart.

"And what if she doesn't want you there?" Meredith questioned.

"Then I'll leave, but I need to make sure she's ok," Derek insisted.

Watching him go Meredith sighed, when Addison had first turned up in Seattle he had done nothing but repeat his insistence that his marriage was over, that when he had walked in on Addison with his best friend she stopped mattering to him. But now, as she watched him pause to compose himself before following them down the hall she couldn't help but think that his words were spoken to convince himself just as much as her.

Inside the exam room Bailey helped Addison on to the bed. "You feel warm."

"I just threw up in an elevator," Addison worried.

"It's a hospital, a person throwing up in the elevator is a daily occurrence," Bailey joked, trying to make Addison feel at ease.

Addison couldn't help but smile despite how rubbish she felt. "I threw up in an elevator in front of my estranged husband and his new girlfriend."

"I'm sure that's happened too," Bailey chuckled as she hooked Addison up to the monitor. "Your heart rate is a little elevated, your temperature too."

"How high is it?" Addison asked, laying her head against the pillow and closing her eyes against the pounding in her head.

Bailey read the thermometer. "101.7, your heart rate is 93, blood pressure is stable though … you said you've been vomiting?"

"Yeah," Addison exhaled. "At first it was sporadic but over the last few days it's been more persistent."

"Have you had any abdominal pain?" Bailey asked.

Licking her lips Addison shook her head. "Not really. I get this burning sometimes along my scar line but I think that's just in my head."

"We should get a urine sample anyway, rule out a urinary infection," Bailey suggested.

"Right, yes, a UTI would make sense. Er … any news on my bloods?" Addison winced, her head spinning.

"Addison?" Bailey worried, watching her face pale further.

Addison opened her eyes. "It's just a headache. Honestly, please I just need to know my bloods are ok," she pleaded.

Nodding Bailey left the room, almost running straight into Derek Shepherd as he paced outside. "How is she?" he demanded to know.

"Resting," Bailey announced. "And that's exactly how she needs to stay so please, keep on walking," she ordered.

Watching her go Derek considered his options for all of a second before pushing open the door to find Addison sat on the bed, her head between her knees as she slowly inhaled and exhaled.

Pulling her hair behind her he frowned at the heat radiating off of her. "You're hot."

"You're not exactly ugly yourself," Addison muttered.

"I mean you have a fever," Derek countered.

Addison looked up at him, her eyes glassy and unfocused another sign of the fever that was currently raging through her body. "I know what you meant Derek. What are you doing here?"

"After this morning I thought perhaps we could try at being friends," Derek explained. "And friends look out for each other when one of them isn't feeling well," he shrugged.

"Friends?" Addison breathed, leaning her head back against the bed.

Derek pulled the chair over. "Addie … we were best friends once, the least we could do is try, right?"

"I thought I told you to keep on walking," Bailey half-said, half-shouted as she walked back into the room.

"It's ok Miranda," Addison insisted. "Derek and I are friends," she smirked, lifting her eyebrows towards him, realizing that perhaps Derek was right, they were friends before they were lovers and even if it wasn't what she wanted it was better than him hating her, because being hated by him was exhausting.

Hiding Addison's blood results in her pocket she opened the door, motioning for him to leave. "Well this room is for family only."

"Addison?" Derek asked, turning his attention back to his estranged wife, his eyes pleading with her to let him stay.

"You should leave," Addison agreed.

"OK," Derek agreed, not wanting to argue with her when she obviously wasn't feeling well.

Waiting for him to leave Bailey sat down on the chair. "Is there something wrong with my bloods?"

"Not exactly," Bailey stuttered.

Addison's eyes widened; Miranda Bailey did not stutter. "You're scaring me."

"Your electrolytes are a little off, which is probably just due to mild dehydration, nothing that some fluids and a little rest won't fix though …" Bailey informed her, her voice trailing off.

"I take back what I said about you being a great poker player," Addison laughed nervously. "Your eyes … what are you not telling me?"

Biting her bottom lip Bailey handed Addison the print out. "You're pregnant Addison."

Scanning the results Addison's hand started shaking so much she dropped them to the floor, leaning her head back she looked up at the ceiling. "I can't be pregnant … it's just not … I can't … my heart … Esme … I can't do this … I can't …"

Jumping up Bailey grabbed a sick bag from the side, spotting the start of a panic attack as Addison's chest began to rapidly rise and fall. "Addison you need to calm down," Bailey gently requested as she tried to get Addison to breath into the bag.

"No," Addison shook her head. "I can't be pregnant … this is … wrong … all … can't … no … can't be pregnant … can't … no," she said in a rush. "Complicated … high … risk … can't … they said … no … I can't … not again …" she wheezed unable to catch her breath, bringing her hand to her chest as it began to burn.

"Addison you're hyperventilating," Bailey said, although she knew she was stating the obvious she needed to try and break Addison from the cycle she was stuck in. "I know things seem impossible right now but you do not know that things will end the same way again," she tried to reassure the distraught woman.

Her face was hot yet clammy to the touch as the pain in her chest intensified. "My heart … I need … my heart … pain … can't."

Bailey pulled her closer to her, trying again to get her to breath into the bag. "Addison, please you need to calm down," she instructed as her condition seemed to worsen and her eyes fluttered shut, taking an oxygen mask from the wall she placed it over her nose and face before turning it up as high as it would go, sticking her head out of the door she was relieved when the first intern she saw was Izzie Stevens, because out of all of her interns Stevens at least had a working relationship with Addison.

"Stevens, in here now," Bailey ordered, not even giving her a chance to protest. "I need you to set her up to a cardiac monitor and then insert a large bore IV," she instructed not even giving Izzie time to react to the fact that Addison Shepherd was half conscious on the bed, her chest rising and falling rapidly despite the oxygen mask over her face.

Attaching the leads to her chest Izzie's eyes hovered over the tiny scars on either side of her chest as well as the large horizontal scar just above the hem of her skirt, realizing that she was invading the other woman's privacy she turned the monitor on, frowning at the numbers she placed her stethoscope over her chest, as soon as she heard the rapid sequence of beats she knew that the monitor was probably right.

"Dr Bailey, her heart rate is 181," Izzie stammered.

Bailey watched as the line snaked across the monitor. "Make that two large bore IV's as close as possible to the heart. Addison," she said, addressing the last word to the pale, shivering woman on the bed. "The hyperventilation has sent you into SVT, I know you're probably really terrified right now but this doesn't mean that it's back Addison, SVT could just be SVT but I need to get someone from cardio, I could try further afield but-"

"Pr … Preston …" Addison breathed, her voice barely audible beneath the oxygen mask.

"Steven's I need you to page Preston Burke 911. Now," Bailey practically barked, waiting until Stevens was out of the room before addressing her next concern. "Addison when Preston gets here I need to tell him your cardiac history … now he doesn't need to know about Esme but he does need to know the rest."

Addison nodded, struggling to keep her eyes open. "I … under … stand."

"Now for the nest question I just need you to either nod or shake your head; are you ok with Stevens staying?" Bailey asked.

Opening her eyes to half-mast Addison nodded.

"Ok," Bailey agreed.

When Izzie reentered she immediately set her to work hooking Addison up to a 12 lead EKG and preparing the drugs that might be needed to terminate her erratic heart rate.

"Where the hell is Preston Burke," Bailey panicked, trying to keep her voice calm as Addison's heart rate hit 200 and her shaking intensified.

As if he heard her pleas Burke entered the room. "What's the 911-"

He stopped, his eyes darting from the monitor to Addison and then back to the monitor again, reading the EKG that Izzie had just started printing he eyed the drugs that Izzie was preparing. "SVT, " he agreed, realizing that Addison was in no fit state to talk he reassured her that everything was going to be ok before turning his attention to Bailey. "What happened?"

"She's had a few weeks history of tiredness, shortness of breath, vomiting and palpitations, we did an ECHO which was normal and an EKG which showed mild left bundle branch block, her observations were stable but then she started vomiting and developed a fever … er she was hyperventilating which then sent her into SVT," Bailey explained, not wanting to disclose the news of Addison's pregnancy unless absolutely necessary.

Burke looked back to the monitors. "Her blood pressure is stable so we can try adenosine, but Stevens I want you to set up the defib and prepare sedation just in case we need to cardiovert," he said, planning out loud.

Addison's eyes widened in fear as Bailey stepped closer to the bed. "We probably won't get that far but he's right Addison, we need to have it ready just in case."

"We should probably call Derek just to make sure there's no contributing medical history that we need to consider," Burke suggested, knowing that he was probably the last person Addison needed to see but also knowing that he needed to do everything he could to get her safely through this.

"That will not be necessary," Bailey insisted, cutting off Addison's protests.

Burke lifted his eyes towards Bailey. "I think-"

"She was previously fit and well until about 7 months ago when she developed peripartum cardiomyopathy, it advanced rapidly into severe congestive heart failure for which she required intubation, ventilation and maximum IV therapy as well as bilateral chest drains for secondary pulmonary edema," Bailey reported, remembering her earlier consultation with Addison.

"Residual effects?" Preston asked, wondering how someone who had been so close to dying could be the same person that was working 36 hour shifts, performing back-to-back surgeries and walking around seemingly unaffected by such serious ill health just over half a year earlier.

Bailey looked to Addison, her eyes silently apologizing for what she was about to say. "After delivery and an uncomplicated recovery period she experienced a return of normal cardiac function."

"Addison, we're going to go ahead and administer the adenosine, now I know as a doctor you're probably well aware of the side effects but-"

"Richard," Addison wheezed.

Seemingly the only one who could hear her Izzie translated. "I think she wants the Chief."

Addison nodded. "Please."

"Stevens get Richard, now," Bailey told her as she took over from her in inserting the second line.

Whilst waiting for the Chief Bailey and Burke silently set about hooking Addison up to fluids, checking, double checking and triple checking her vitals so that as soon as Richard arrived they would be ready to start.

Running up to the surgical board Izzie stopped, taking a second to steady her breathing before approaching Richard who to make an already complicated situation worse was deep in conversation with the one and only Derek Shepherd.

"Chief Webber," Izzie called

"Chief Webber," she shouted when he didn't respond.

Whipping his head around to face her he glared. "I heard you the first time Dr Stevens but in case you hadn't noticed I'm in the middle of something."

"I need you to come with me now, please," Izzie requested, knowing that she would probably raise a few eyebrows but also knowing that the longer she was up here the longer Addison was downstairs her heart racing away at 200 beats a minute.

"Stevens-"

"I need you to come now," Izzie repeated her voice high and panicked.

Sensing the distress in the young interns voice Richard apologized to Derek for the interruption before following her towards the stairs. "This better be good Stevens."

"It's Dr Shepherd, female Shepherd," Izzie explained as she started down the stairs. "She's in a bad way, she's in SVT and she wants you there before she'll let Burke and Bailey start the treatment."

Not stopping to respond Richard took the stairs two at a time before following Izzie around the corner and into the exam room. "Addie," he whispered, moving straight to the head of the bed.

"Happening …. Again … " Addison wheezed her words strained and her breathing labored as the monitors continued to alarm round her.

"About 2 months ago she ended up in the ER in New York with SVT, it was terminated with a single dose of adenosine and she was monitored for 48 hours afterwards … also 7 months ago-"

"We know," Bailey told him. "Addison she told me earlier," she added as she stepped forward and rested her hand on his shoulders. "Preston, Stevens and I have the medical side covered, Addison needs you here as a friend Richard, she has enough doctors."

Taking a deep breath he nodded. "You've got this Kiddo," he whispered into her ear as he stroked her hair back from her face.

"Adenosine going in," Bailey announced as she pushed the syringe into the line, following up with a large flush of saline.

All eyes turned to the monitors as Addison's eyes closed, her heart rate dropping rapidly to the high 20's where it stayed for a few seconds before slowly climbing back up to 71.

"You're going to be alright," Richard reassured her, his head pressed to hers as he held her close, his heart breaking as he felt her body tremble.

Addison closed her eyes as her breathing finally started to slow until it evened out completely as she gave into the pull of darkness, exhausted both mentally and physically by the events of the last 36 hours.

"She's staying in normal sinus," Burke observed.

Bailey finally felt confident enough to take her eyes off the monitor. "That she is."

"We should move her upstairs to the CCU, just for 24 hours at least," Burke suggested.

"We should leave her here for now," Richard countered. "I don't want to move her, not now, not when she's sleeping, I can assign a nurse to monitor her-"

"I can stay," Izzie offered.

Richard nodded his thanks. "Even better."

"Page me if anything changes," Bailey ordered.

"I'll set her up for an ECHO and 24 hour tape when she's had some sleep," Burke told the chief writing a few orders down on the notes Izzie had started.

Bailey looked up at the clock. "I have a surgery scheduled."

"Go," Richard commanded. "I can stay here for as long as she needs me."

"I-"

Richard held up his hand. "Miranda, I am still Chief of this hospital and you have patients to see, I am perfectly capable of looking out for her … with the expert help of Dr Stevens here."

"If you need me," Miranda said, her reluctance to leave obvious.

"I know where to find you," Richard promised her.

Richard carefully shifted Addison in his arms so that she was in a more comfortable position as Izzie draped a hospital gown over her and Bailey and Burke left the room.

"I want 15 minute obs, repeat CBC and CHEM20," Richard requested, stretching the kinks out of his neck, his creaking bones a stark reminder that he wasn't as young as he used to be.

"Right, yes," Izzie stammered.

Richard immediately picked up on the distress in her voice. "Stevens are you ok?"

"The baby? What happened?" Izzie asked, knowing she was overstepping the mark but also unable to stop thinking about it since she had heard the conversation between Bailey and Burke.

"It's not my story to tell," Richard sighed sadly as he looked down at his sleeping friend.

Izzie nodded. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked it's just … I saw her eyes when it was mentioned … she looked so … broken."

"Stevens, Addison is probably going to be sleeping for a few hours now and I'm going to be right here so why don't you go and get something to eat? Maybe some fresh air and a drink too … also could you speak to my secretary and have her reassign all of Dr Shepherds cases for the next week at least," Richard asked, lowering himself down into one of the rooms more comfortable chairs.

Realizing that Richard wanted some space Izzie nodded. "Sure. Would you like me to bring you anything back?"

"Coffee, white, no sugar please," Richard requested.

"I'll be back shortly," Izzie assured him.

Richard smiled kindly at her. "Take your time Stevens."

Alone in the room Richard reached out and took her hand in his, as the Chief the last thing he wanted to be seen doing was having favorites but when it came to Addison Montgomery Shepherd he couldn't help it, he had watched her grow from a nervous, uncertain student into the world class surgeon she was now, he and Adele had been there as she had married Derek, celebrated with them as they bought their first home and he still had the first medical journal she was ever published in on the shelf in his study.

They had also been there as Derek and Addison had barely held it together whilst the tiny white casket containing their hopes and dreams had disappeared behind the curtain at the crematorium, he had watched as Addison pushed Derek away until finally he could take no more and walked away, returning a few weeks later to find his drunk wife in bed with his best friend.

He had been there for nearly every defining moment of her adult life, the good and the bad and as a result she held a very special place in her heart.

"The universe will one day cut you a break. I promise you Addie, you will get your happy ending."


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Holding the piece of paper in his hand Richard once again looked at the results, the large highlighted text towards the middle of the page leaving him in no doubt about what had caused Addison's breakdown and subsequent SVT.

"Oh Addie," he sighed, his eyes looking over at the bed where she continued to sleep.

Looking at the clock he ran his hand tiredly across his face, she had been sleeping for 9 hours, which was 9 hours that he had been sat in the same room. He'd tried reading, checking his e-mails and even playing solitaire on his laptop to distract himself but nothing had worked, his thoughts always wandering back to the woman in the bed and the positive pregnancy test results in his hand.

The door opened quietly as Izzie Stevens walked back in, her hands full with croissants, cups of hot drink and a few pieces of fruit.

"It's hot chocolate," she said, handing him the cup. "I figured we were both maxed out on caffeine."

"Thanks," Richard smiled kindly.

Izzie put the rest of the food down on the table before picking up Addison's notes and charting her latest observations. "Her temperature is creeping up again. It's 100.1," she informed him.

Doing the mental calculations in his head he motioned towards the drug chart. "She can have some more acetaminophen now."

"Derek is asking questions," Izzie told him as she hung another drip of fever reducer.

"I should talk to him," Richard sighed. "He's not going to stop asking questions till he gets at least some answers," he concluded, standing up and stretching out his legs, picking up his hot chocolate he headed out of the room, almost walking straight into the man in question.

Derek pushed himself away from the wall where he had been leaning for the last 20 minutes. "What's going on?"

"Hello to you too," Richard yawned covering his mouth as he headed down the corridor with Derek following.

"She's my wife Richard, legally I have a right to know what's going on," Derek reminded him, over the last few hours he had been trying different ways to get information from Bailey, the Chief and Izzie as they filtered in and out of the room.

Richard stopped sharp, turning around and glaring at the other man. "You gave up any rights you had to play the husband card when you walked away."

"I-"

"Look Derek," Richard breathed; handing some completed charts to one of the nurses before motioning for the neurosurgeon to follow him into an empty room.

Derek closed the door before walking over and sitting down on the exam table. "I just need to know she's ok," he admitted, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"She will be. Derek she was exhausted, dehydrated and running a fever from the tests Bailey has run it looks like a UTI but we won't know for certain until micro is back with the cultures," Richard explained hoping that perhaps by giving Derek at least some information he would back off a little and stop stalking Addison's room.

Derek nodded. "Have you started her on antibiotics?"

"Of course," Richard reassured him.

"Can I see her?" Derek asked.

Richard shook his head. "She's sleeping."

"That's what everyone keeps saying," Derek squeaked, his voice thick with the strain of being stuck on the outside.

"It's because it's true," Richard retorted. "She was exhausted Derek, she needs sleep and I am not going to have you going in there and waking her because you woke up this morning and suddenly remembered you had wife."

Derek stood up and started pacing. "It's not like that Richard, I never forgot I had a wife, I just-"

"Does your girlfriend know that you've spent the last 6 hours pacing outside your estranged wife's hospital room?" Richard asked.

"Meredith and I it's-"

"Complicated?" Richard guessed. "Just like it's complicated with you and Addison right?"

Walking over to the window he looked down at the courtyard watching as a young woman was wheeled out, a small pink bundle cradled in her arms as the excited new father and grandparents followed behind carrying balloons and flowers. "You know I had a simple life once and it was perfect."

"Derek-"

"This time last year Addison and I had just found out she was pregnant, you know I think I knew before she did I could see it in her body … I know … I knew her body so well that I could tell the minute it started changing but it was a few weeks before she finally felt sure enough to pee on that little white stick and everything changed," Derek remembered, his eyes never leaving the family.

"That was the night of our eleventh wedding anniversary; things don't get much better than that, I was married to my best friend and we were expecting our first child, I had it all Richard, the American dream but then … Addie got sick, really, really sick and my little-girl she wasn't ready to be born … I knew that … but if I didn't agree … I could have lost them both … but … after it all … after everything … I lost them both anyway," Derek cried.

Richard moved to stand next to him, following Derek's gaze down to the courtyard. "Addie is still here Richard."

"She slept with my best friend, every time I see her that's all I can think about … but then last night, sat in the NICU something changed and I saw how things were before and … she's my best friend Richard … she's Addison we're Derek and Addison and I-"

The bleeping of Richard's pager cut them off. "Derek I'm sorry but-"

"Is it Addison?" Derek needed to know.

"Yeah but before you ask Derek you're not coming with me," Richard informed him. "But I promise you I will speak to her and ask her to see you, that's all I can do right now Derek, I'm sorry but … Addison and what she wants has to come first."

Derek turned around and watched Richard leave, opening his phone he flicked through his photos until he found the one he was looking for; it was a picture that Nancy had taken of them a few weeks before Addison got sick. They were at a picnic in the park and were both sat on a rug, Derek was sat behind Addison with his arms wrapped around her, their fingers entwined resting on top of her small baby bump.

"I had a simple life once," Derek whispered to the empty room as he clicked out of the picture, turning back around to look outside he decided on taking a few minutes to himself before stepping back out into the chaos of the hospital.

A few rooms down Richard walked back into the room to find Addison sat up in the bed, a bottle of water in one hand and an apple in the other.

"Stevens could you give us a minute alone please?" he asked the blonde intern.

Putting the chart back at the end of the bed she nodded. "Sure."

"How are you feeling?" Richard asked, pulling the chair back over and sitting next to her.

Putting the apple down she looked up at him, her crystal blue-green orbs bright with unshed tears. "Terrified," she admitted, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I saw your blood results," Richard admitted, holding up his hand as he saw her start to panic. "Before you worry Bailey and I are the only people that know," he assured her.

"I can't be pregnant Richard," Addison cried, her voice cracking.

Richard rested his hand on top of hers. "Addie-"

"No," Addison pulled her hand away from him. "Please do not try and sugar coat this, you know what happened last time, you know that means any subsequent pregnancy I have puts me at a high risk of the same thing happening … I can't go through it all again … when I think about what happened to Esme … I can't breathe Richard … it's too soon and it's too … I need to make it all go away."

"What are you saying Addison?" Richard asked, although he was pretty sure he already knew.

"I need you to find Miranda and asked her to do an ultrasound and then when I know for certain that the blood test is right, and how far along I am I'm going to find a clinic as far away from here as possible and make it go away," Addison explained.

"Ad-"

Addison held up her hand. "If you care about me then you will not fight me on this. I need to do it soon Richard because … if I allow myself to start getting attached to this pregnancy … I will not survive … not this time."

"You don't know that," Richard argued.

"Yes I do," Addison whispered. "PPCM or no PPCM my heart will not be able to take it."

Knowing that now wasn't the time to push the subject Richard stood up from the chair, pulling over the large ultrasound machine Izzie had brought in for the ECHO he turned it on.

"What are you doing?" Addison frowned.

"Miranda's in surgery," Richard shrugged. "Between the two of us I'm pretty sure we can perform an ultrasound scan," he joked.

"The Chief and a double board certified surgeon? We've got this," Addison agreed.

Pulling up her gown Addison lowered the hem of her skirt, her fingers gently running over her c-section scar as she waited for Richard to program the machine. Taking the gel from him she squirted it on her own stomach as he handed her the ultrasound wand.

"When I was pregnant with Esme we … er Derek and I we agreed not to find out the sex, during my 20 week scan I knew though … I mean it's what I do for a living so I couldn't not see it but I knew that Derek wanted to be surprised so I didn't say anything, he knew I knew though," Addison recalled as she took a long deep breath before finally looking up at the screen.

Moving the wand slightly she was unable to stop her hand from shaking as she finally managed to get a good picture instructing Richard to freeze the frame she dropped the wand to the bed, her fingers quivering as she brought her hand up to her mouth.

"Addie-"

"Derek … I … that's … I've got to be at least what 14 weeks? Richard how could I not know? When I was pregnant with Esme I knew really early on but this time … I've been having periods … my body hasn't changed … I … Derek … oh God … it's Derek's baby … I wasn't expecting it to be Derek's baby, after Mark, after he left I did some stupid things; drinking, picking up people in bars so I thought that … but it's Derek's baby Richard … our baby … I thought I knew how I would feel when I saw the scan, I had convinced myself that it wouldn't change anything but this; it changes everything because this baby it was created from love not from … it was love Richard," Addison sobbed, unable to stop the tears from falling as she automatically found herself reaching up to print off a copy of the scan.

Sitting on the edge of the bed he wrapped his arm around her. "You should talk to him Addie whether you want to admit it or not it's like you said; this changes things."

"It changes everything," Addison whispered.

"Shall I get him for you?" Derek offered.

A part of Addison wanted to run as far away from Seattle as possible and pretend this wasn't happening. But it was happening, she was 14 weeks pregnant with her husband's baby and that was not something that she could just push into a closed part of her mind and ignore like she had been doing with so many other things lately.

Slowly she nodded, wiping the gel off her stomach and pushing herself back into a sitting position. "Please."

Whilst Richard was out tracking down Derek Addison checked that it was only fluids running before making the decision to disconnect her IV line, checking the monitor she was reassured that everything had been stable before unhooking herself from the machine, swinging her legs over the bed she stretched them out before carefully getting to her feet, reassured when the ground remained stable under her she took the gown off and changed back into her clothes before turning the ultrasound machine off and moving it to the corner of the room.

Pacing in front of the bed she ran through every way this conversation could go, she and Derek had barely said more than a civil syllable to each other since she had arrived in Seattle; instead most of their interactions had been fuelled by barbed comments and angry accusations.

"We got this," Addison whispered, her hand resting on her stomach.

As soon as she realized what she was doing she dropped her hand as if her stomach was on fire. "I can't do this. I can't get attached to you," she mumbled.

"Talking to yourself?" Derek smiled, walking into the room carrying two coffee cups. "Juju?" he offered, holding the cup out.

Taking the cup Addison licked her bottom lip, her stomach rumbling as she suddenly realized how hungry she was. "Thanks."

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked.

"Better," Addison honestly replied.

Derek took a few steps further into the room. "Good when you … in the elevator … I was worried."

"I think it's all my body's way of telling me that I need to take better care of myself," Addison admitted ever since she had woken up she realized that what had happened was her body's way of giving her a great big wake up call, after all over the last few months she had been working more, sleeping less and existing on a diet of caffeine and croissants.

"If there's anything I can do to help?" Derek offered.

Addison took a few steps to her left so that she was stood by the window. "Let's take a walk," she suggested.

"Are you sure you should be going outside?" Derek worried.

"I'm fine Derek, I slept for half the day, had 2 bags of fluids, an apple and my observations have been stable for hours now, I'm more than capable of taking a walk outside with a world class neurosurgeon to make sure no harm comes to me," Addison insisted.

Derek placed his hand on the small of her back as he led her out the room. "The courtyard or gardens?"

"The gardens," Addison replied. "Hopefully less populated."

The journey to the hospital gardens passed in silence although for the first time in recent history it was a comfortable silence.

"Addison Montgomery Shepherd," a familiar voice called out.

"Busted," Addison muttered under her breath as she turned around to find Miranda Bailey practically sprinting towards her.

"What are you doing out here?" Bailey demanded to know.

Addison held her hands up in a surrender stance. "Miranda … I'm sorry but I really needed to get out of that room, I feel fine and Derek is here to make sure it stays that was I just … I need some air."

Sensing the desperation in her voice Bailey's gaze flicked between Addison and Derek before finally resting back on Addison. "Ok, but when my rounds have finished in … 40 minutes … I expect to find you back in the room."

"Promise," Addison reassured her.

Alone again Derek and Addison walked around the gardens a few times before finally finding a bench in an empty part of the garden.

"Ad-"

"Derek … sorry it's just I have some things I need to say and if I don't say them now then I might lose my bottle," Addison admitted, cutting him off.

"Sure," Derek nodded.

Bringing her cup to her lips she was about to take a sip when she decided against it. "I need you to listen without saying anything. I might go off on a tangent, babble and for a while not make any sense but I need you to just bear with me until I've said what I need to say."

"Ok, no talking until you've finished," Derek vowed.

"Derek and Addison. Addison and Derek. It's been so long that we've been … Derek and Addison that sometimes I think I've forgotten how to just be Addison. When we lost Esme, I lost myself Derek … I hated myself and my body for failing me when I needed it most … my daughter died because my heart failed me and I couldn't deal with that so I blamed you. I blamed you for letting them take her even though I knew that if you hadn't we both … she would have still … and I would have … but I couldn't allow myself to believe that because I needed someone to blame and you were that someone. I pushed and I pushed until finally you left and … I know I said that's what I wanted but I didn't know what I wanted Derek … well I did but I couldn't have it … I wanted my little-girl and I couldn't have her," Addison admitted finally voicing out loud why she had reacted how she did after Esme.

"So many times I've watched other people in their worst moments, I've held parents as they cried, I've delivered the news time and time again but I never once imagined that I would be on the other side and then things started to go wrong and I was … the train was rolling and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'm a double board certified OBGYN and neonatal surgeon and I was powerless Derek … our daughter died and I couldn't save her … I …"

Taking a deep breath Addison stopped to compose herself, swirling the now warm chocolate around in the cup she took a sip. "What I did was wrong, Esme was gone and then you were gone and I just wanted to be gone too, I was drunk and hurting and Mark was there and … it doesn't make what I did right, nothing will ever make it right but I didn't do it to hurt you, I did it because I was hurting and I just wanted it to stop and after it happened you were gone again, this time probably for good so I kept on doing it, not with Mark, I haven't seen him since that night but … I'm ashamed Derek, of the person I became for a while but … I ended up in the ER; the drinking, lack of sleep and the fact I was still recovering physically was all too much and I went into SVT … I realized then that things needed to change so I took myself away from New York."

"I packed a bag, got in my car and just started driving before I even realized it I was at my parents cabin in the Catskills, I stayed there for a few weeks just walking, sleeping, eating properly and getting myself together. It was then that I realized why I behaved the way I did and I knew that you might never be able to forgive me but I had to try Derek because you were … are … the love of my life and I wasn't ready to give up on that, it took me a long time until I felt strong enough to come here but Richard called about the case and I knew that I had to try," Addison explained, her voice getting shakier and shakier as she continued.

From his place on the bench Derek remained silent, his hands clasped tightly in his lap as he listened to her talk, when everything had happened he had only ever been able to understand it from his point of view, but now, hearing it from her point of view it was like he was learning a new language and was finally able to understand something that had been foreign until then.

"I don't know what I expected when I got here, I knew you were seeing someone else but I just hoped it was a fling, that you and Meredith was just you reacting to everything that happened, I never expected to find you in an actual relationship with actual feelings … but you were … and your feelings for me were hateful … you called me Satan Derek … 11 years of marriage … a daughter together and suddenly the only thing I was to you was Satan, I was ready to give it all up that morning and head back to New York because seeing you every day and not being … Addison and Derek … I couldn't deal with that and then that night in the NICU you gave me hope Derek," Addison whispered, her voice only just audible over the wind.

"I didn't know if that hope was enough though but now things are even more complicated … I'm pregnant Derek … I only just found out and before the scan I really thought I knew how it was all going to play out because it's a risk Derek, my cardiologist said that even after a year the risk was high and it's only been 7 months and … my heart … what happened … I'm not strong enough to go through it all again or to spend every waking moment terrified that things are going to go wrong so I was all ready to have an abortion Derek but then I had the scan and … I'm 14 weeks pregnant Derek … I know as I talk you're doing the math in your head … and you've probably already figured it out but that night … after we scattered her ashes, we … you and I … it was that night Derek," Addison concluded, her face wet with tears as she took large gulps of her drink until the cup was finally empty.

Breathing deeply she finally turned her head to face him, shocked to find his eyes bright with tears. "You can talk now," she prompted.

For once in his life Derek was genuinely lost for words; his mouth suddenly too dry as his throat felt like it was on fire. "I-"

"You probably need some space and time to process all of this and I really should get back before Miranda sends security out after me so…" Addison trailed off, not knowing how to leave things she stood up and headed back towards the hospital.

Realizing that he needed to act now Derek jumped to his feet, a million different responses running through his head. "Addie, wait."

Pausing in her tracks Addison didn't turn around because she didn't want him to see the hurt on her face.

Catching up with her Derek placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, turning her around so that she was facing him. "Addie, what happened in New York after Esme, neither of us is blameless, I knew you were reacting and lashing out I shouldn't have left but when I signed that consent form I knew I risked you blaming me … I question the decision I made a hundred times a day … but you wouldn't be stood here if I didn't Addie, I really thought she would make it you know, at 29 weeks she had a good chance but … the idea that I could have lost you too … we both said things, did things … reacted and … you're not Satan … and I don't hate you. You're Addison, my Addison and … what happened and what we did, right now none of that matters."

"You're pregnant Addie," Derek whispered. "And I know you're terrified, I am too but we can make this work … things might not go wrong … we will find the best doctor in the country … I will bring you every meal in bed for the whole of your pregnancy if I have to because … our story doesn't have to end here Addie, it doesn't have to end with losing our daughter," Derek vowed pulling her close to him as he rested his hand on her hips.

"I'm so scared Derek," Addison sobbed.

Derek reached up and wiped the tears from her face. "I know. I am too. But if anyone deserves a break Addie it's us."

"You really think we can do this?" Addison asked.

"I really think we can do this. You Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery Shepherd are one of the strongest people I know, if anyone can do this it's you," Derek pledged wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against him, needing to remember what it fell like to hold her in his arms, how her body fit so well with his and how sometimes as they would lie in bed he could feel their hearts start to beat in complete synchrony. "We can do this Addison. We can have this baby."


	4. Chapter 4

4.

Walking through the hospital Derek found himself in a dark, narrow, barely lit corridor lined by broken beds and out of use medical equipment. Leaning against the wall he ran his hand tiredly through his hair before sitting down on one of the beds, closing his eyes he calculated that it had been nearly 79 hours since he found out he was going to be a father again. 79 hours that he had spent avoiding Addison's room for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and adding to an already precarious situation.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie Stevens said, approaching the exhausted neurosurgeon.

Derek looked up at the blonde intern. "Dr. Stevens, sorry I didn't realize anyone else was down here."

"We hide out down here sometimes," Izzie shrugged. "It's quiet and no one bothers you."

"We?" Derek questioned, looking around and finding her alone.

Izzie sat down on the bed opposite his. "The interns, at least we used to but things are different now; Meredith and Christina are … in their own bubble … George is … off doing his own things and Alex is chasing everything in a skirt … so I guess we has become me … I come down here sometimes, it's peaceful."

"I like peaceful," Derek agreed.

"I can go if you want," Izzie offered.

Derek shook his head. "No. It was your sanctuary first."

Nodding Izzie opened her lunch bag, taking out a bag of M&M's she offered him some which he gladly accepted. "Chocolate might not have the answers but it sure tastes good."

When Derek didn't say anything Izzie watched him carefully, his eyes dull and exhausted, his face pale and drawn and she was pretty sure he was still wearing the same clothes she had seen him in yesterday. Silently she considered things for a few minutes before speaking.

"Hello. Isobel Stevens," she introduced.

Derek frowned. "I … what?"

"You look like you need to talk," Izzie explained. "And I know how hard it can be to find someone to talk to around here with the gossip mill being as ferocious as it is so I figured we could just pretend we were two strangers. Maybe we're sat next to each other on a plane, sharing a bag of M&M's and talking, getting to know each other and after this conversation we will never see each other again so … Hello, My name is Isobel Stevens," she smiled.

Derek nodded. "Derek Shepherd."

"I'm a surgical intern at Seattle Grace hospital and 99% of the time it feels like I have no idea what I'm doing but that other 1% when I get something right … that's enough to keep me going, 1% is all I need to make me realize I can do this and who knows perhaps tomorrow it'll be 2% and then 3% until I'm actually getting it right most of the time," Izzie admitted.

"I'm a neurosurgeon and people travel across continents to be treated by me because I'm one of the best, when I'm in that OR, looking into someone's brain it all just comes together and I know exactly what my next move is, where I stand and what to do … I save lives no one else can and everything makes sense … but the minute I step outside those sterile walls nothing makes sense, everything is a mess and in my head all I can hear is white noise and confusion," Derek responded.

Izzie shuffled forward on the bed, crossing her legs. "I grew up in a trailer park. It was just me and my mother … I believed in my mother and she believed in whatever the psychics told her, she would follow whatever path they told her was the right one and when I didn't she … she said that I was turning my back on my destiny but as clichéd as it sounds I believe we make our own destiny, if you want it you have to fight for it … so my relationship with my mother is complicated but she's all I have so I make complicated work."

"I have 4 sisters. Growing up as the only boy was; infuriating, interesting and … full of fights over the bathroom, screaming matches and movies that always ended in happily ever after, my father died when I was a teenager and my mother is a rock star. My child hood was loud, chaotic, full of hormonal women and fights so loud they could be heard states away but it was also full of love, security and a mother who always told us that whatever we wanted to be and who we are was enough."

Izzie watched the way the darkness disappeared from his eyes as he spoke about his childhood. "Growing up all I wanted was a simple life. A job I loved, a husband I loved and who loved me in return and who knows … perhaps even one day a family of my own."

"I had a simple life once," Derek whispered, remembering back to his conversation with Richard. "Addison and I met in med school and before I knew it I was hers … every part of me … my heart and soul were hers. Our friends used to tease us about how in tune we were and how together we were but I didn't care. When I asked her to marry me I knew she would say yes and when she walked down that aisle towards me I … it wasn't happily ever after but it was the start of it, of our life together it was simple and uncomplicated. Of course we argued and disagreed but that just made us appreciate each other even more. I thought it would always be like that," Derek said, his eyes clouding over again.

Izzie decided to lighten the conversation a little before getting to the real issues. "My favorite color is orange."

"Red."

"My favorite city is New Orleans," Izzie offered.

"New York, Seattle is great but my heart will always be on the East Coast," Derek smiled.

Izzie nodded. "My favorite food is chocolate chip pancakes."

Derek found himself smiling. "Mine changes, but mostly it's anything my mother cooks."

"I want to watch the sun rise over the Grand Canyon," Izzie shared.

"I wanted to ride under the Bridge of Sighs in Venice with my wife and then eat gelato until we were both so full we could barely walk home," Derek told her, sharing the dream with someone other than Addison for the first time.

Izzie smiled at the way his eyes danced again. "When I was 16 I had a daughter, I knew that I couldn't be the parent she needed because I was 16, I had 16 dollars to my name and no prospects so I made the hardest decision I've ever made and I gave her away to parents who could be everything I couldn't."

Looking up from his lap Derek watched her carefully, finding the same pain in her eyes that he saw every time he looked in the mirror or into Addison's eyes. He knew that once he told her then the truth was out there and he would never be able to take it back, but he didn't care, Esme was his daughter and he was tired of pretending she had never existed because that hurt more than never being able to hold her again.

"This time last year I was the luckiest man alive, I had a wife I loved and we were going to be parents; my wife was carrying our baby and everything was alright with the world. Then Addison got sick, her heart started failing and she was dying, my wife was dying and the only way to save her was to deliver my baby before she was ready. So I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make and I let them deliver my little girl when Addison was only 29 weeks pregnant … she was so tiny and beautiful and perfect but … too fragile for this world, she died 7 days later in Addison's arms and my life has been a living nightmare ever since," Derek admitted, feeling lighter for having shared the story of his daughter's short life with someone else.

Realizing that the last thing Derek needed was her sympathy Izzie decided to continue as she had started. "My daughter's name was Sarah. At least that's the name I chose for her."

"My daughter's name was Esme; Esme Willa Montgomery-Shepherd. Addison chose the name Esme and the minute she suggested it I knew it was the right name for us, Willa was my choice, my father's name was William and I wanted her to have a piece of him," Derek stammered, the words vibrating past his lips.

"I never stop thinking about her; what she looks like, if she's happy, what her favorite color might be, her best friends name … all of the things I'll never know," Izzie whispered.

Derek ran his fingers gently over the scan picture. "She never opened her eyes but I think they would have been the same color as mine because the rest of her was all Addie, she had a thick tuft of red hair and her lips … it was all Addison."

"I've never been in love," Izzie suddenly blurted out, her words bouncing off the walls in a loud echo.

Derek couldn't help but smile at the way she immediately avoided eye contact, he knew that to question her was to break the rules so he continued with a confession of his own. "I'm still hopelessly in love with my wife … but I don't know if I can be with her … and then there's Meredith, my girlfriend who deserves so much better than someone who is still in love with his wife."

"I believe in soul mates and that one day I will find mine," Izzie smiled.

"I found mine," Derek breathed. "And I let her go."

"She's still here," Izzie said, her eyes wide as she realized she had broken the rules by responding to his truth. "Sorry … I …"

Derek shook his head. "No you're right; she is still here, she's just a few floors up … alone … scared … and I'm here … sat on a broken hospital bed without a mattress eating M&M's in the dark."

"Why?" Izzie questioned.

"I don't know what to say to her anymore, which is a terrifying feeling because it was never hard with Addie … ever …. everything with her was always so easy even when it wasn't it always made sense and now nothing makes sense and that scares me because I already let her down once … I can't fail her again," Derek admitted.

Standing up Izzie packed up the rest of her lunch. "You should be telling her this. Not me, because I'm just a stranger on a plane," she smiled.

"Just a stranger on a plane," Derek agreed. "Thank you … for being a stranger on a plane."

"Anytime," Izzie offered. "Now go and talk to your wife."

Derek raised his eyebrows in her direction. "Should you really be encouraging me to go after my wife? What about Meredith isn't she supposed to be your friend? Shouldn't you be fighting her corner?"

"The intern club would probably kick me out if they knew about this so it's a good job that we are just two strangers on a plane sharing stories, and because I'm a stranger on a plane I have no idea who either Addison or Meredith are," Izzie reminded him with a smirk.

"Of course," Derek chuckled.

Izzie was about to leave when she turned back to face him. "And like I said I believe in soul mates so if you've found yours; never let her go."

With her words echoing in his head Derek headed up to Addison's room where she had been recovering for the last 79 hours, stopping by the door he took a few minutes to steady his nerves before knocking on the door.

When he received no answer he quietly opened the door and stepped in, not wanting to wake her if she was sleeping, instead all that greeted him when he entered the room was an empty bed.

Rushing out of the room he took the stairs 3 at a time almost knocking over a lab tech as he ran straight into Richard's office.

"He's not taking visitors," Patricia, Richard's secretary shouted after him, but Derek was too focused on finding out where Addison was to listen.

"Where is she?" he demanded to know, his chest heaving with panic.

Richard looked up from his paperwork. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb with me Richard, you know exactly who I mean, Addison, her room is empty so I'll ask you again; where is she?" Derek raged, panic quickly turning into anger.

"Sit down," Richard ordered.

Derek crossed his arms across his chest. "No."

"Where have you been Derek?" Richard asked.

Dropping his arms to his side Derek looked at his friend and boss. "I've been here."

"Have you?" Richard cryptically replied.

"You know I have," Derek huffed.

Richard shook his head tiredly. "Physically maybe but emotionally Derek … Addie tells you she's pregnant and I know you, you would have been full of grand gestures and promises but then … you were gone Derek."

"I needed time to think," Derek whispered finally sitting down.

"Well while you were off getting your head straight Addison was doing some thinking of her own and-"

"Richard … where is my wife?" Derek asked, seeing the pain in his eyes.

Richard looked down at his desk, avoiding eye contact with the younger man. "I don't know."

"Yes you do," Derek observed, knowing without looking that Richard was lying.

"Derek-"

Taking a piece of paper Richard wrote something down. "I do know however that in 7 hours I'm supposed to pick her up from this address."

With shaking hands Derek looked down at the piece of paper. "Richard this is … no … it's my baby too … she can't … this baby it's our future Richard, how could you let her do this?"

"I'm not letting her do anything," Richard angrily denied. "What I am doing is being a good friend and supporting her through the toughest decision she's ever had to make."

"She can't do this," Derek whispered.

Richard closed his eyes. "You need to be talking to her about this, not me."

"I-"

"Go Derek," Richard ordered. "Go and find your wife,"

Derek didn't need telling twice, jumping to his feet he practically ran through the hospital, ignoring the stares and whispers that he ignited along the way. Getting into his car he paused for a few minutes, his mind racing a hundred miles a minute as he tried to think about what he could say to her, how he could make her see that this wasn't the answer.

Starting his engine he navigated his way through Seattle traffic like someone who had been living there their whole life, the clinic was just a few miles from the hospital, a small white building that looked exactly the same as those surrounding it. Locking his car he looked around for Addison's car, realizing that if Richard was picking her up she probably didn't drive to the hospital.

As he stepped into the building he had no idea how he was going to find her, he knew that clinics of this nature operated a very strict confidentiality clause but he had to try, she had know that he was at least willing to try and if he couldn't find her, if he was too late then he had already decided that he would swallow down his feelings towards the situation and support her. Because even though it was Addison's own decision that had brought them here he knew deep down that it was one she would not have made lightly.

Swallowing the lump in his throat he pressed the button for the elevator, the clock on the wall behind him ticking so loudly that each second that passed reverberated so loudly around his head his heart skipped a beat.

The heavy gold plated doors slowly opened, his mouth dropping open as he found himself face-to-face with his estranged wife for the first time since she had told him about the baby.

As she stepped out he wordlessly followed her outside, watching as she slowly lowered herself down onto the bench, her face pale as she pushed her hair behind her ears with shaking hands.

"Addie," Derek said, finally breaking the silence as he lowered himself down next to her.

"I didn't do it," Addison whispered, pre-empting the question she knew he was desperate to ask.

Derek nodded, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding until now. "Why?"

As if moving in slow motion Addison turned her head towards him, her eyes dull and exhausted. "I … I … just couldn't do it."

"Addie," Derek repeated, as if the action of saying her name would help him find the strength to be what she needed in that moment.

Her eyes flashed with anger. "Where have you been Derek?"

"I-"

"Please … no excuses … no half-truths or empty sentiments, I gave you everything I had left; the good, the bad and the downright ugly I gave you it all the other day in the gardens and you were there, you said all the right things, made all the right promises, you allowed me to hope and then you were gone … so … gone … that I began to think maybe I had imagined it all, that somehow my brain had dreamed it all up to stop me from breaking," Addison admitted.

"I'm sorry," Derek apologized. "But I'm here now."

"For how long?" Addison wondered.

Derek reached out for her hand. "Forever Addie."

Addison pulled her hand away from his. "I really wish I could believe you."

"Give me a chance, please, let me show you that I can be that person, the man you fell in love with," Derek pleaded.

"I know I hurt you Derek but … I'm not strong enough to keep paying for my mistakes over and over again," Addison sighed, exhaustion evident in her voice.

Derek's eyes widened in alarm. "You think this is about me trying to punish you?"

"Isn't it?" Addison asked tiredly.

"No. God no," Derek exclaimed. "You could not be further from the truth."

Addison licked her suddenly too dry lips. "Then where have you been Derek?"

Try as he might Derek couldn't put into words why he had avoided her after her confession in the hospital gardens, but one thing he was sure of was that his absence was never about him trying to hurt her.

"I'm so tired of having no control over my own life," Addison suddenly admitted, her confession once again breaking through the uncomfortable silence. "I think that's why I made the appointment, that way I get to chose how this story ends … I get to take control before it's too late and I'm so far into it that the idea of going through it all again is so much that I can't breath Derek but … it's too late … I've only know about … this," she whispered, dropping her hands to her still flat stomach "for a few days but … it's too late … I'm all in Derek and that scares me more than anything else in the world right now."

"You're not alone," Derek tried to reassure her. "I'm scared too."

Addison lifted her eyes to meet his. "Don't," she warned, her voice stronger than she felt.

"Don't what?" Derek asked, genuinely confused.

"Make promises you can't keep," Addison answered.

Without even thinking what he was doing Derek reached out, his hand dropping gently to her stomach. "Ad-"

"Stop it," Addison demanded, standing up and moving away from him. "Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the us, the we and the togetherness. We are not in this together Derek … I thought we could do it … I thought what we had was strong enough to make it work but … it's not … I'm not … you're not. Derek and Addison. Us. We. The forever we promised is … it's a fairytale Derek and this … what our lives have become is about as far from a fairytale that you can get and when I came to Seattle I thought that what we had was stronger than our mistakes but it's not … I was fooling myself and now so are you … you have a girlfriend Derek … you found someone else less than a week after you walked away from our marriage … from me … and do you know how that makes me feel? … I know … I know … I know that what happened with Mark was cruel and hurt you but you are in a relationship Derek," Addison stopped, taking a series of deep breaths to calm herself down.

"The other day you said that our story didn't have to end with what happened to us and maybe it's not how our stories end but it is how our story ends Derek … we need to stop pretending that we can do this … I wanted so badly to believe that we could survive anything but … I love you so much, more than you will ever know but we can't do this Derek … I can't do this … I can't keep pretending that the past 7 months haven't changed us … changed who we are … what we are … what will become of us because they have … you're different … the Derek I knew would never have been gone, he'd never have left me on my own when I needed him," Addison cried.

Derek shook his head furiously. "No. You don't get to do this Addie, you don't get to end our marriage and make it my fault because I'm here Addison, I'm right here telling you I'm all in."

"I remember someone telling me once that the loss of a child will either made a couple stronger than ever or break them apart forever … almost as if some higher power flicks a coin and decides which ones will make it and which ones will break … I really thought we would be one of those who would make it Derek but we're not," Addison explained, trying to get him to understand where her head was at.

"We could be," Derek tried.

"I hurt you and you hurt me and everything was just one big mess of hurt and confusion and grief that I don't think we will ever understand. I'll always love you Derek. Always. You're the father of my child, children," Addison smiled sadly, her hand once again resting on her stomach. "But we're not one of the couples that survives something like this … that's someone else's story … not ours," she finished, sitting back down.

Derek moved closer to her. "No."

"We don't get to go back from this Derek," Addison whispered.

"I know, but we do get to go forward." Derek argued.

Addison looked down at her wedding rings. "When Esme died I was stuck in this horrible place, I hated everything about the world Derek, I hated you for signing the consent, I hated my body for failing me and I hated … I was so mad at her … she was just a baby … she didn't ask for any of this, but I hated her Derek for not fighting harder, for leaving me … what kind of mother hates her own child?"

"You were hurting Addison your thoughts weren't rational because nothing made sense anymore, it was a senseless situation. But this baby, this second chance, this makes sense, it's meant to be Addie, we're meant to be … that night when we made him or her we were in such a dark place that it shouldn't have happened but I did because it's how it's meant to be," Derek tried, desperate to make her see that it wasn't the end.

Closing her eyes Addison remembered back to the night they had conceived the baby. "I'm so tired of being angry Derek. When I woke up and you told me that she wasn't going to make it I needed the world to stop spinning, when we turned the ventilator off and I held her … I wanted it all to stop but it didn't and I couldn't understand how the world could still keep spinning without her but it did, the sun rose and the sun set but she was gone, gone forever and I hated everything because it all reminded me of what could have been … what should have been."

"You're allowed to be angry Addison," Derek reassured her.

"I just want everything to stop, just for a little while … just a few short moments so that I can find my place before it all starts up again but … everything just keeps spinning Derek and I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore," Addison choked, tiny sobs catching in her throat.

Wrapping his arm around her Derek pulled her into him. "You're supposed to be here Addie. You're supposed to be with me and our child, this is where you belong."

"Seattle isn't my home Derek; you live in a trailer and I live in a hotel, no child deserves to be brought into this chaos," Addison pointed out.

Derek rested his head on top of hers. "Then let's go back to New York … or somewhere new we can go wherever you want Addie I don't care as long as you don't give up on us."

"I have to go," Addison panicked her resolve to let go disappearing as her body melted into his in a way so familiar that it made her physically ache, his scent overriding her senses as she realized that in his arms was the only place she had ever felt at home.

Derek knew that he had to let her go that if he followed her he would just push her further away from him. "I'm not giving up Addison," he called after her. "I'm all in Addie, now and forever I'm in."

authors note: I know this chapter is chaotic and a bit over the place but that's supposed to signal where Addison and Derek's heads are at right now, they are buried in chaos and Addison is reacting the only way she knows how my trying to control things before the control is taken from her. I love season 1 and 2 Izzie, she was my favorite intern so I know that scene with her and Derek might seem OOC but Derek needed to talk and I wanted it to be her for reasons that will make sense in a few chapters.


	5. Chapter 5

**authors note: so I know this part took a ridiculously long time to post (and it's probably the shortest one yet) but I actually find bridging chapters where not much happens harder to write, plus I started a new role at work and have been swamped and then I was on vacation for 2 weeks of technology free bliss, the next part is nearly finished so it should be up in less than a week, I just need to tweak and edit a few things.**

5.

Empty hallways led to empty rooms as Derek's feet practically slid across the hardwood floors, his eyes trailing over the stainless steel appliances before finally resting on the large windows, the floor to ceiling glass giving a complete view of the lake.

"It has a private jetty," the realtor said, breaking through the silence.

Derek nodded. "And you said there's no chain?"

She nodded. "The owners have already moved into their new home."

"If I put in an offer and they accept how quickly can I move in?" Derek wondered.

"That would all depend on your lawyer, I mean to push a sale through quickly will cost you extra," she reminded him.

Derek smiled. "Money is no object."

"I've seen sales go through as quickly as 7 days," the realtor told him.

"My wife is pregnant," Derek began. "I don't want her to have to worry about where she's going to live, I want her to have somewhere she can call home."

The realtor looked around at the impressive view. "Looks like a perfect family home to me."

Derek couldn't help but agree, this morning alone he'd seen 6 properties but that minute he'd walked through the doors of this lake front home he'd know, this was the right place for Addison, and for their unborn child.

"I'm ready to make an offer," Derek grinned, knowing that the figure he was about to offer would make her month, perhaps even her year. "Tell the owners I'm willing to pay 1.4 million, cash."

"That's 100,000 over the asking price," she exclaimed.

Derek smiled knowingly. "I know. Which will hopefully make it an offer they can't resist."

"I'm sure they'll have no problems accepting," she reassured him, knowing that since the house was on the market they had yet to receive an offer even close to matching the asking price let alone beating it.

"I expect to hear from you by the end of the day then," Derek informed her, walking over to the window and looking out at the lake, trying to imagine sitting on edge of the jetty with his son or daughter, fishing rod in hand as he taught them how to fish.

He knew that things between him and Addison were complicated, that she didn't want to try again but he couldn't help but hope and buying a home was the first step to him showing her just how serious he was.

She was right when she'd accused him of being all talk and no actions and seeing as words weren't getting him anywhere it was time to try a different tact.

After a sleepless night he'd realized that he needed her to feel safe, living in a hotel offered no security, he wanted her to have somewhere she could call home and he knew going back to the brownstone was out of the question so he'd hired the best realtor in Seattle and here he was not even 12 hours later just hours away from being the owner of a perfect family home.

He didn't know if Addison would be able to find a place for him in her life, or they would ever live here together but right now that wasn't what mattered, all that mattered was that Addison could see herself living here, raising their child here and then hopefully in time she would see that he was serious when he told her he was all in.

"I should head back to the office, put your offer in writing and get the ball writing," the realtor announced when her client showed no signs of wanting to leave.

Looking at his watch Derek realized that he'd been here for nearly 2 hours, which meant he had just 30 minutes to get to the hospital. "Of course," he agreed.

"I'll call you as soon as I hear anything," she promised.

"I have back-to-back surgeries this afternoon but I'll check my messages in between," Derek explained as they headed outside to their respective cars.

Pulling out of the driveway he activated his hands free and instructed Siri to dial.

"Well, well, well if it isn't the vanishing man," the familiar voice on the other end answered.

"Hello to you too," Derek chuckled, knowing that he was in for a lecture.

On the other end of the line Nancy smiled. "It's good to hear your voice," she admitted.

"Ditto," Derek agreed.

"Ditto?" Nancy questioned. "Has Seattle turned you soft?"

Derek smiled, he'd missed this. "No."

"What do you need?" Nancy asked, getting straight to the point, knowing that phone calls from her brother usually meant he needed something, after all it had been a long time since he'd called just to check-in.

"Addie's in Seattle," Derek told her.

"I know," Nancy admitted.

Derek frowned. "How?"

"She called me, she wanted to apologize for the things she said at Esme's funeral, I told her it wasn't necessary, she said it was, I cried, she cried, there was whole load of crying and then she told me about the TTTS case, I told her you were in Seattle, she told me she knew, we talked, I think there was more crying-"

"She's pregnant," Derek blurted out, cutting Nancy off.

The line went silent for a few minutes; the only sound audible was the gentle hum of his engine as he pulled into the Seattle Grace parking lot, making a mental note of the journey time so that he could tell Addison when he showed her the house.

"Is she keeping it?" Nancy asked, finally breaking the silence.

Derek nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Yes."

"Is it-"

"It's my baby," Derek assured her. "She's almost 4 months pregnant now."

Nancy was silent for a few seconds before finally speaking. "Congratulations."

"I'm scared," Derek admitted.

"That's understandable," Nancy reassured him.

"So is Addie," Derek added.

Nancy could hear the fear in her brother's voice. "Also understandable, in fact I'd be more worried if she wasn't scared."

"I need you," Derek admitted.

"I'm not a cardiologist Derek," Nancy reminded him. "You need a specialist, there's a women here in New York, Helen … Helen … I can't remember her last name but PPCM and pregnancy following PPCM is her specialty, I can send you her number," she offered.

Derek took his phone off speaker and exited the car. "I don't need you as a doctor Nancy, I need you as my sister and one of Addison's best friends."

"I know I said we talk," Nancy began, her voice stuttered and hesitant. "But I'm not her favorite person, she might say she doesn't but she blames me Derek, just as much as she blames you. I delivered Esme. I-"

"It's not your fault," Derek said, his heart breaking at the guilt he knew his sister was living with.

Nancy sighed sadly. "It's not yours either."

"Will you come?" Derek asked, changing the subject.

Silence reigned again as Nancy considered her answer carefully. "If she asks me to leave…"

"Then you can leave," Derek agreed. "But she won't ask you to leave, she needs you Nance, even if she doesn't know it yet. I need you."

"Just give me a few days to sort things out this end. I have 4 children who need feeding, clothing, bathing and educating," Nancy joked.

Derek smiled. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too," Nancy replied, hanging up the phone.

Putting his phone in his pocket Derek sighed, steps one and two of his plan were in motion, now he just needed to figure out what was next.

"You're late," Richard admonished as he spotted his head of neurosurgery try to sneak past him.

Derek looked up at the clock. "Barely, 2 minutes."

"It doesn't send out a good message when the boss is late," Richard warned.

"I had places to be, things to do," Derek shrugged.

Richard raised his eyebrows. "Here you have lives to save and interns to teach."

With a flickering smile Derek walked away, leaving Richard to ponder his friends strange behavior, he had known him long enough to know when he was up to something, and right now Derek Shepherd was clearly up to something and Richard was willing to bet his house that whatever it was had everything to do with a certain redhead just a few floors up scrubbed into OR 3.

"You better get it right this time," he muttered to himself as he watched Derek head for the stairs.

"Talking to yourself?" Miranda asked, walking up behind him.

Richard sighed. "This place is driving me mad. I need a vacation."

"Don't we all," Bailey agreed, walking with him to the coffee cart. "I see Addison is back."

"You should know, you signed her fit to return," Richard reminded her.

Bailey nodded. "I know, I just didn't realize she was sticking around in Seattle."

"I don't know that she is," Richard admitted. "I offered her a permanent position, she hasn't given me an answer."

"How long does she have left to decide?" Bailey wondered.

"I should have had an answer days ago, but with everything that's happened I extended the offer, she promised me an answer by the end of today," Richard sighed, silently hoping that she would decide in his favor, not just because she was the best and hiring her would be a big win for the hospital but also from a selfish point of view he liked having her around.

Making his way up to the surgical board Derek scanned the scrawling writing, he didn't have a surgery for 4 hours and if he had been teaching them right his interns would have already began pre-op tests as he had instructed yesterday.

Walking into the gallery of OR 3 he watched as Addison closed up, her hands working rhythmically as she neatly sutured the small line. As she completed the last stitch her eyes wandered up in his direction, as if she sensed his presence.

Smiling he lifted his hand in greeting as she crooked an eyebrow, a small gesture that he knew was her way of asking him what he was up to, after all it had been a long time since he had come to observe her in surgery. In a silent answer to her silent question he held up a brown bag, the right side of his mouth raised in a half-smile.

Knowing that it was easier to give in than argue with him Addison nodded as she headed towards the scrub room.

"What was that?" George whispered to Izzie as they followed Addison out of the OR.

Izzie shrugged. "What was what?"

"That weird, silent, almost flirty conversation between the Shepherds? I thought they hated each other?" George wondered.

"I didn't see anything," Izzie lied.

George eyed her suspiciously. "A blind person could have seen that."

"Well I didn't," Izzie sang as she rid herself of her gloves and gown before washing her hands over the large metal sink.

George watched his friend. "You're hiding something."

"What?" Izzie exclaimed as she dried her hands, handing George some towels.

"I don't know, but you are definitely hiding something and by the looks of it that something relates to Meredith's boyfriend and his ex-wife," George surmised, purposefully making sure to remind Izzie that Derek was in fact dating one of their closest friends.

Izzie shook her head. "You're imagining things."

"You're hiding things," George countered.

"I'm hungry," Izzie stated, rapidly changing the subject.

George followed her out into the corridor. "Me too," he agreed as he watched Derek push himself away from where he had been leaning against the nurse's station as Addison approached, without saying a word he handed her a brown bag before they headed out of site both making a conscious decision to keep a visible distance between them as the last thing they wanted was yet more gossip being circulated about their personal lives.

Heading towards the fire escape Addison climbed the small metal staircase onto the roof. "You can come up," she reassured Derek as she watched him hover nervously at the bottom.

"You look good," Derek observed, his eyes scanning her body before resting on a small, barely visible bump.

Addison rested her hand on her stomach. "It seemed to just appear overnight."

"And everything is going ok?" Derek asked, needing to know they were ok.

"Yes. Bailey gave me the all clear, my last labs showed no signs of infection," Addison reassured him.

Derek moved over towards her, watching as she looked out across the city, her eyes scanning the horizon as she opened the brown bag and took out a sandwich.

"Did you-"

"Extra pickles? Yes and I even managed to track down that deli ham you love," Derek explained, as he watched her take a bite.

Finish her mouthful Addison nodded her thanks. "This is … nice of you … but I can look after myself you know," she added, not wanting Derek to think she was helpless.

"I know," Derek agreed. "But I wanted to, I know we're not together Addie but that's my baby and I need to feel like I'm a part of it and right now the only way I can make sure my baby is ok is by making sure you're ok and if that means driving to 7 different delis across the city to find the right ingredients then that's what I'll do," he added.

Addison took another bite, waiting to finish before talking. "Well my stomach and I thank you."

"You look well rested," Derek observed.

"I feel well rested," Addison agreed.

Derek sat down on a small ledge. "Are you still staying at the hotel?"

"Yeah," Addison nodded. "I haven't exactly figured out what my long term plan is yet so there didn't seem much point in finding something more permanent."

Derek smiled to himself, thinking about the purchase he had made earlier that day. "Have you thought any more about Richard's offer?"

Addison nodded. "Yes."

"And?" Derek prompted.

"I don't know Derek," Addison admitted. "I mean Seattle is where you are, but we're not together anymore and if it wasn't for the baby I would have been on a flight back to New York days ago but … I don't want our child to grow up without you Derek but also I don't know if I can stay in Seattle, I have no one here, in New York I have friends, family, a home, I have a life there Derek."

Derek studied her face carefully, trying to work out what it is she was trying to say. "Are you asking me to move back to New York?"

"I don't know," Addison sighed.

"I would, in a heartbeat, if you wanted me to that is," Derek assured her without any hesitation.

Addison smiled softly, sitting down next to him as she removed a cookie from the bag. "You have a life here now Derek."

"My life is with my child," Derek reasoned.

"Maybe I could try," Addison whispered, the fact that Derek was so willing to give everything up and move back to New York made her realize that perhaps he was still the man she had fallen in love with over a decade ago.

Derek turned to face her. "Try what?"

"Seattle," Addison breathed. "I don't know how this is going to play out so I don't want to take a permanent position but maybe I could talk Richard into giving me a temporary contract, say 3 months to begin with and then add on the option to extend it."

"Is that what you want?" Derek wondered.

Addison looked down at the ground. "I don't know what I want Derek, the last year has been … there aren't even words but this baby deserves a mother and father and Seattle isn't that bad, it's no New York but … maybe we could make it work."

"3 months," Derek stated, reading between the lines he realized that Addison was giving him a time line, she was giving him 3 months to prove to her that they had something worth fighting for before she gave up on them altogether and moved back to New York, taking their unborn child with her.

Addison nodded. "3 months."

"It looks like Seattle has 3 months to win you over," Derek said, reaching over and taking a bite of her cookie before handing it back.


End file.
